Maybe I Can with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 87: Exploring the Victim Mindset with Debbie Weiss

• Debbie Weiss

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In this episode, we'll explore the victim mindset, its roots, and how it shapes behaviors and emotions. We'll discuss how to recognize and overcome this mindset through practical steps like cognitive reframing and daily affirmations. The goal is to empower listeners to break free from limiting beliefs and embrace a more empowered approach to life.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. If you've ever found yourself asking is this all there is to life, then you're in the right place. I'm Debbie author, speaker, entrepreneur and coach, and every Tuesday I'm here to share a sprinkle of hope and inspiration. Together, we'll uncover the more More joy, more fulfillment, more prosperity, more fun. We'll share stories of transformation, actionable tips and that little nudge you need to take the next step. So let's embark on this journey of discovery and say maybe I can to a life filled with more, ready to find out. Let's get started. The Maybe I Can Show starts now.

Speaker 1:

Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Maybe I Can podcast. I'm your host, debbie Weiss, and thank you for tuning in. I want you to know that I really appreciate it and I know that you could be listening to a lot of other shows, and hopefully you are listening to other shows as well as mine, because you know, variety is the spice of life and everyone has a different take on things and you never know when someone might say something that just I don't know sparks something in you, and you might have heard it a hundred other times from different people and for whatever reason, that day, that time, the way that someone said it, it resonated with you. So hopefully, something that I'm going to say today resonates with you. For me, this is a topic I decided to do a little bit of a departure of my sprinkles because this is something that's been on my mind. And today we are going to talk about having a victim mindset. We're going to talk about what it is, how does it develop, how do you know if you have it and how to overcome it. And I'll tell you I had never heard the term, never had any idea until I really started getting honest with myself that I, for most of my life, absolutely have had a victim mindset, and I'm happy to say that I have now shifted that mindset. Of course, it rears its ugly head every once in a while, but awareness is key, so I most of the time cut it off before I let it get the best of me. So it doesn't have a nice name, right? Nobody wants to say that they have a victim mindset, but what I've found is owning it, understanding it, understanding where it came from and learning how to shift. That has honestly made a huge difference in my life. It's actually the thing that really turned my life around and turned my ship around in a different direction, when I realized what I had been doing all of my life. I think it's like anything you don't know until you know, and once you are aware, then it's up to you to do something about it. So okay, enough preaching, let's talk about what it is.

Speaker 1:

Simply, a victim mindset is someone who perceives themselves as the victim the victim of their circumstances, the events in their life, things people have done to them, the people around them. They think that they have no control over their life. It's just like life is happening to you and there's nothing you can do about it to you and there's nothing you can do about it. Bad things happen, uncomfortable things happen, and you know what. They happen to everyone. But when you have a victim mindset every time some struggle happens, it's just more proof to you that you're unlucky, that maybe you don't deserve better, that you just weren't meant to have a good life and there's nothing that you can do about it. You have absolutely no control. You've given that control away to everything and everybody else, and before I came on the air, I have so many stories about when I've felt that way and what's caused me to feel that way?

Speaker 1:

And I'm really thinking back to when was the first time I felt this way? And probably the first time I felt that way was when I realized as a little little girl probably preschooler that I had a weight problem. And I would look at all the other little girls and think why me, why can't I look like them? I can't stand being in this body. I want to look like them. And of course I didn't know it then. But I was a victim. I was a victim of my circumstances. I was a victim of the body that I was living in. Now, at three years old, did I have any control over that body? I would say not.

Speaker 1:

But just thinking back to when that mindset first started and and you know, of course, for pretty much all of us it started in our childhood it's not something that anybody most likely did intentionally. I don't know about you, but when I tell you about, usually, things that had happened to us in our childhood, that causes this victim mindset. Our parents didn't set out to do this, and when I was going over these things in pre-game before coming on the air, I thought to myself oh my goodness, after reading this, I'm sure, looking back, I have created that same victim mindset in my children that was created in me. So it doesn't mean that my parents did it intentionally. If my children happen to have a victim mindset, which I do think that at least one of them does, it's not necessarily my fault.

Speaker 1:

Now that I'm so knowledgeable, I wish I was going to have children all over again, because I'd do it differently. But how many of us could say the same thing? Right? It's always everything. What is it? Hindsight is 20-20.

Speaker 1:

This is why, of course, it's easy I would do so many things differently now, but it starts in our childhood and it could come from a variety of different reasons or things that you know happened to us in our childhood. The first is your parents could have been overprotective. For me personally, I don't think that this is. I don't feel like my parents were overprotective at all, but on the flip side, I have been an extremely overprotective parent. So what does it mean to be overprotective? You're trying to shield your children from failures, and I couldn't stand it. I hated and still do today, and I know that this is not a good trait and a good characteristic, because children need to figure it out on their own. They need to fail.

Speaker 1:

If you swoop in there and fix everything all the time which, again, I am still doing this today, but really trying to be mindful about it but if you swoop in all the time and fix it and help them before they try and help themselves, you develop, the child develops a helplessness, right, I mean, let's face it, it's always easier to have someone else do it than you have to sit and figure something out yourself. That doesn't come easily. You get frustrated. But if you don't push past or through that frustration and have that experience think about how good it feels when something is difficult and you figure it out. Man, that's so empowering.

Speaker 1:

And if we're an overprotective parent, or you had overprotective parents and they stepped in so that you never had to feel that struggle, well, it makes you dependent on everybody else. I think it also makes you intolerant of frustration, makes you think that you can't do anything on your own and you become insecure because obviously your parents didn't think that you were capable, so they must have been right. And if that's the case, then you start to feel sorry for yourself. Either I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, because your parents were sending the message again. Most likely they weren't intending to send this message that you're not capable. So that's one way that this victim mentality can develop in your childhood. Another way is if your parents were constantly criticizing you and you know parents were constantly criticizing you and I know my son doesn't listen to the podcast, so I'm safe my older son, 23 years old I know I've mentioned him before and he has had a lot of struggles in his lifetime and it's so hard not to criticize because you don't think that you're criticizing, you don't realize how much you criticize.

Speaker 1:

And the reason I'm speaking of my older son is I came home from work today and yesterday and this morning at 12 o'clock I reminded him of what I said yesterday, which was take all those garbage bags that have been sitting in my garage for six days now and put them in the garbage cans. And then we also had some recycling in a certain place that we keep it and I said bring it outside. And I told him this at 12 o'clock, at 1.30, he was leaving for work. I come home, you know nothing is done, and right away I, you know, I'm annoyed. What can I say? 23 years old, stop it. Already you know.

Speaker 1:

And then he gets mad if I remind him. And the first thing I thought of is boy when he gets home from work, I am going to give it to him. And then I thought about this you know how do you balance? You know I have to give him feedback, but yet what I would typically do is this is like percolating right. I'm annoyed. I can feel myself as I'm talking about it. I'm annoyed at him and so the minute I see him, it's going to pop out of my mouth Probably not the best thing to do. I haven't seen him all day. I've done this before. And he says to me well, hi, how are you, too, haven't seen him all day. And the first thing I'm going to say is I can't believe that you didn't do this.

Speaker 1:

And I know in his case because he had a lot of struggles with, you know, ADHD and depression and anxiety and learning disorders that he a good part of his life he was criticized, not just from my husband and I, but also in school and and kids and all of that stuff. And when you're constantly criticized, it undermines your self-esteem. How could you feel good about yourself if everybody is constantly picking on you like that? And I'm not saying that I don't want to say it's not deserved, like in this case. Yeah, he should know that I'm upset, but there's a way and a time to do it. And if all you're doing is criticizing and I wish I could remember what the ratio is, I think it's I can't remember what the ratio is about how many negatives kids hear, but I think it's like you need five positives to one negative and, let's face it, it's very rare that that happens, because who points out oh good job, I don't know what you say to somebody. Well, if somebody always makes their bed every day, you don't say good job making your bed. But the time that they don't make their bed, you don't say good job making your bed. But the time that they don't make their bed, what do you say? Why didn't you make your bed? So you really, as a parent, have to be really super intentional about saying the good things and not just constantly criticizing.

Speaker 1:

And as a child you could have been neglected or abused. And when I say that, I don't know about you, but I think of somebody who was abused, seriously abused or neglected sexually, verbally, physically abused or left, you know, to have a grandparent or a relative or go in foster care, that kind of thing. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that. It could be that you felt neglected because your parents were always so busy that they couldn't take the time to pay attention to you or they weren't there for you emotionally. They were emotionally disconnected. Those things make a kid not feel good about themselves, right, and they internalize that.

Speaker 1:

As I'm not lovable, that can bring on that victim mentality as we grow up. And then you know we're bullied. We're bullied by other kids that are sending that message that you're no good and you're worthless. And then as kids we also have academic pressures, right, I mean same kind of thing with how many times you bring home a poor test grade and it's how could you do this? Did you study? You're not trying hard enough, or maybe there's social expectations and you're feeling it from that peer pressure kind of thing. There's so many different things that could happen to us in childhood and when this all happens, we start feeling sorry for ourselves and we start blaming others. Right, it's what my parents did to me. I have so many personal stories, like I said, about feeling like a victim.

Speaker 1:

But I think the real big journey started when my dad had a stroke the day after I graduated high school. I was 17. And I was going away to college for the first time at the end of the summer and I was very close to my father and I was daddy's little girl. I just have a younger brother, so I was daddy's little girl and he and my mom had separated years earlier and when he had the stroke it was clear, I think, that they were going to separate and I didn't know then that they would divorce a couple years later and all summer long my dad was in the hospital and I was there every day and he liked a certain sandwich from Burger King and I would bring him the sandwich and a shake and I would help him do his therapy and all the things.

Speaker 1:

And I didn't want to go away to college because I was worried about what would happen to my dad if I went away. But my mother insisted she insisted and looking back, of course, I understand now, especially because I had kind of something similar happen with my younger son and I didn't want his life to be I don't want to say ruined, but yeah, ruined that you were going to lose the college experience. But boy did I hate my mother for this. I blamed her. She wouldn't let me come home. My father was having major brain surgery, I think it was like in September or October, after I was there.

Speaker 1:

I could never get acclimated to school because I was always worried about my dad and I was about five hours away from home and she wouldn't let me come home and I blamed her and I just said why is this happening to me? Here there's all these other kids. What are they worried about? They want to pledge a sorority or a fraternity, and what party are they going to go to? And all these things. And I just thought to myself I couldn't care less. All I knew is that my father was home, he needed me and my mother wouldn't let me come home. She wouldn't let me come home. And why was this happening to me? On every level, I wanted to be carefree. I wanted to be able to get involved in everything that was going on in college, but I couldn't. I couldn't. And why wouldn't my mother understand how I felt? Eventually I won, I guess, and I came home. I never got a credit from that first college and I came home and I attended a local university and stayed at home and took care of my dad. And after about a year and a half I realized, hmm, I see what my mother was saying now and this is my only chance at a college experience meaning, you know, living away and all of that and so I did wind up transferring.

Speaker 1:

Then my parents got divorced and my dad lived for another 30 years and for 30 years he was my responsibility. My mother was free of him. They were divorced, my brother had moved so he didn't live close by and even though my father didn't live with me, there was a ton of responsibility that went along with this, especially you know that feeling okay, in the beginning I kind of felt empowered, like my dad needs me and I'm here to take care of him. And people were praising me and I'll tell you I don't know how many years in, it started to become a burden and I was resentful. My mother and my brother were walking around enjoying their lives. Of course, they had their own problems and stuff, but they didn't have this. They didn't have this big responsibility, especially as a young adult who was just trying to start their lives, and that festered. That festered for the next literally 30 years. 30 years, and every step of the way I became angry, resentful, blaming others for my life, for my circumstances, and you know, it was like things would happen and it would just be proof that this life was just not meant for me to enjoy myself, so to speak.

Speaker 1:

So some of the things I'm describing are some of the characteristics of a victim mindset. How do you know if you have a victim mindset? Well, there are five ways, according to Dr Tracy Marks, and I'm paraphrasing. The first is everything you think about has a negative tone. Just as I was describing, life is not on my side. Everything happens to me. I am so unlucky. That's one characteristic. Another similar to that is you ask yourself why a lot? And boy, I did this. It was always. Why me? Why me? Why does everything seem to happen to me? One thing after another that would happen with my dad, all different crazy things that were happening, and then I couldn't get pregnant and I had to deal with this whole infertility thing and I needed to have a spinal fusion at 35 years old and I could no longer play tennis, the game I loved. And why me? It was just all of these things just kept proving to myself that everything happens to me. I don't know what I ever did to become so unlucky. That leads to number three.

Speaker 1:

You ruminate a lot. You're always overthinking and think about it. When you're overthinking, you're not typically overthinking positive, sunny thoughts, right? You're overthinking all this negative stuff and it just repeats itself over and over in your mind. And then, of course, you don't really think too highly of yourself when you're criticized or when you have overprotective parents. It's just all proof you're bullied, you're not good enough and nothing you can do is good enough. And then, last but not least, you get angry quickly and you're resentful. And you can be resentful when other people have good fortune and my I don't know someone I know got a raise. And I think to myself gosh, I'm working so hard, I can't get a raise, I can't afford this. I have all these troubles, I have all these monetary responsibilities. She doesn't have that. How come she keeps getting the raises and I don't? And then you're always you're blaming, you're blaming. That is such a big part of it, and I think that's the first time that I realized that I had a victim.

Speaker 1:

Mindset was when I heard the description and I thought you know, you've got to be real honest with yourself, because so often you can be defensive and say, oh no, no, that doesn't describe me, I'm not like that, because who wants to think that you're like that? But it's so important that we own it, because once I started owning it, then I became aware. Just like anything, if you want to change a habit, a mindset, in anything, awareness is the first crucial step, because if you're not aware, you can't change what you don't know. Once you become aware, then you're able. Every time that you notice this kind of thinking, you have to challenge this and say is this really true? There's a thing called cognitive reframing where you kind of, like you know, stop with the negative thoughts and think about how else can I look at this, this and flip that? It's hard, I'm not saying it's easy, but you've got to be able to stop yourself in your tracks and turn it around.

Speaker 1:

And then, of course, for me, the biggest thing that we all can do to overcome a victim mindset is take responsibility. And I've done several episodes on my favorite formula E plus R equals O, which is the event plus your response equals the outcome. And for my whole life I thought the event my father having the stroke, my mother not letting me come home being teased. That equaled the outcome. I'm a victim, wrong, I wasn't taking responsibility. Yes, my father had the stroke. Yes, those things happened, but it is how we respond to those events that determine the outcome. We all have stuff. We all have good stuff and bad stuff, and if you are focused on the bad stuff and feeling like it's just piling itself on there and there's nothing you can do, and woe is me. It is time to stop, because it's scary to take responsibility and say to yourself I've caused this. Did you cause the event? Not necessarily, but you have caused the outcome. But, on the flip side, the best thing about taking responsibility is that now, since you know you're responsible for the outcome, you have the power to change that outcome, and that, to me and for me, is the biggest takeaway.

Speaker 1:

I was always, always blaming everything and everyone else, and the minute that I said, hey, wait a minute, I've got a hand in this too, everything shifted. And get around people who are supportive, right, and who maybe you know, share with them you're able to share with them, right and who maybe you know, share with them, you're able to share with them, you know, this whole victim thing that you're trying to overcome, and hopefully it's somebody who will challenge you. You know, when they see you slipping into that victim mindset not just you know tell you everything that you want to hear. You don't want that and you don't want that. And every day, if you start to practice mindfulness, maybe meditation starting your day with daily affirmations telling yourself, coming up with little phrases to remind yourself and here's just a couple that you can borrow from and make your own.

Speaker 1:

I choose to focus on solutions rather than problems. I release negativity and embrace positivity. My past does not define my future. I believe in myself and my happiness, and I am confident in my ability to achieve my goals. And, last but not least, I am enough just as I am.

Speaker 1:

So let me leave you with. I don't know if this resonated with you. Maybe you have a victim mindset, maybe you don't, but I hope that I've given you food for thought and to realize that, whether you do or not, all of us have the power to change. Okay, that's all I've got for you for today. Thanks for listening and hopefully I will see you next week. Make it a good one. Thanks for spending part of your day with me here on.

Speaker 1:

Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. It's been great having you and I hope you're leaving with a spark to light up your journey to more. Remember every big change starts with a single maybe. If you're ready to kickstart that change but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you. Head over to download my free guide. Got just the thing for you. Head over to download my free guide. The One Critical Step to Kickstart Change and take that all-important first step. Let's make those maybes into reality, one sprinkle at a time. Catch you next Tuesday at 4 pm Eastern, 1 pm Pacific, with more stories, tips and that extra push you might need. I'm Debbie saying goodbye for now, but always remember maybe, just maybe, you can.

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Debbie Weiss

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