Ep. 90: Understanding Grief and Its Many Faces

What if the loss of a loved one could spark profound changes in your life? Join me, Debbie Weiss, on the "Maybe I Can" podcast as I share the moving story of my father's passing, exploring the initial shock and disbelief that often come with the denial stage of grief. This episode offers a heartfelt look into the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—through the lens of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's model. We also dive into the unique nature of grief depending on one's relationship with the deceased and unpack the concept of anticipatory grief, shedding light on these often misunderstood emotions.

As we journey through the final stage of grief, acceptance, I recount the emotional transformation I experienced after losing my father following 30 years of caregiving. The discussion then shifts to the devastating impact of losing a spouse, illustrated by my personal challenges after my husband Gary succumbed to terminal cancer. From the unimaginable pain of losing a child to the life-altering changes of losing a spouse, we explore how different types of losses shape us. Finally, let's pivot to hope and empowerment, as I encourage you to transform your "maybes" into realities with practical advice and inspirational stories. Tune in for a heartfelt discussion that promises to resonate with anyone navigating the complex landscape of grief.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Grief and Coping Strategies
• 14:46 Navigating Loss and Finding Resilience
• 28:00 Transforming Maybe Into Reality

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome to Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. If you've ever found yourself asking is this all there is to life, then you're in the right place. I'm Debbie author, speaker, entrepreneur and coach, and every Tuesday, I'm here to share a sprinkle of hope and inspiration. Together, we'll uncover the more More joy, more fulfillment, more prosperity, more fun. We'll share stories of transformation, actionable tips and that little nudge you need to take the next step. So let's embark on this journey of discovery and say maybe I can to a life filled with more, ready to find out. Let's get started. The Maybe I Can Show starts now. Well, hello there and welcome to the Maybe I Can Podcast. I'm your host, debbie Weiss, and thank you so much for tuning in.

Speaker 1: 1:04

And you know, just thinking about what we're going to talk about today, which is grief, doesn't really fit in. Maybe with the maybe I can model, so to speak, but you know, maybe I can learn to live with my grief, maybe I can live a life that I never envisioned for myself without the loss of a loved one. So, yeah, it fits in because, unfortunately, grief is a universal emotion and something that typically all of us will have to deal with at one time or another. I think we just hope that we're a little older than younger when grief first happens. So what specifically are we going to talk about today? What specifically are we going to talk about today? We're going to talk about the stages of grief, how grief can differ based on the relationship we have to the person that we lost, and talk a little bit about anticipatory grief, and I'll define that a little bit later. And I'll define that a little bit later.

Speaker 1: 2:25

You know, before I get started, I think I do this every week I got to apologize. I feel like I don't have a lot of power behind my voice and my throat. I just I never thought I would say it. I'm tired of talking because today I had my first session recording my audio book for my next book, the Sprinkle Effect A Guide to Living a More Colorful and Fulfilling Life, and I think I just recorded for about four and a half hours straight. And boy, it really does take a toll on your voice, on your brain. Even though I wrote the words, it doesn't matter. You're still reading and processing and figuring out. How do I say this sentence? I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking about scheduling the recording of the audio book for the same day that I jump on here and do the podcast. And, fyi, I realized today I did the same thing next Tuesday. So whatever, tuesday, so whatever. But the difficulties, right? Oh please, what was me Just saying? So I feel like I might not feel as strong, so at least you know why.

Speaker 1: 4:02

Okay, so let's get started talking about grief. I think the grief we're going to talk about today is really about losing someone, but grief can also come in different forms. Right, it could be the grief grieving, grieving a life that you thought you'd have. Maybe you wanted to be an Olympic athlete. Since the Olympics just ended, it's on my mind and you don't make it. You realize you're too old and this was your last chance, and you're grieving that kind of life. Something like that grief doesn't just have to do with the loss of a loved one, but that is what we're going to focus on today. That is what we're going to focus on today.

Speaker 1: 4:44

So let's start with what are the stages of grief, and these are stages that were written about in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's Five Stages of Grief. It's a particular model. Now, this doesn't mean that if you're grieving, that you experience every single one, or that you're going to experience them in the order that they're mentioned, that you're not going to experience other things. Right? It's just a general guideline and there are five different stages that she talks about denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And you know what? You could jump from one to the other and back and forth. Gosh, it is just such an ever-changing process, right, and it does vary greatly. But today we're going to try and pigeonhole it a little bit, just to give it a bit of a framework.

Speaker 1: 5:50

So the first stage of grief is denial. And you know, denial is like this defense mechanism, it's the initial shock. And you know, I have to say that I don't want to say I've had a loved one, you know, die suddenly from an unexpected accident or something like that. So I don't know what that feels like, that type of shock. But I think back to when my dad died. I knew he was dying, but he died at four o'clock in the morning in a nursing home. My brother and I were both there. He took his last breath. We were in the room, we cried, we hugged each other and then the nurse said I need you to get on the phone and give the nursing home personnel instructions, who's picking him up? Where are they taking him? And I was like what? What is happening? My father just died. And it was like almost this disbelief. And then I had to call my aunt, my father's sister, and tell her and it was almost like this out-of body experience, like somebody else was doing all of these things, not me. I don't know if it felt like it must be a mistake or this can't be happening, but I think I was kind of in denial. It was just like, okay, you know, oh, my father died. All right, well, here's what I'm supposed to do. Just like, okay, you know, oh, my father died, all right, well, here's what I'm supposed to do.

Speaker 1: 7:46

And this might sound like a terrible story, but when my father moved into the nursing home, they didn't have a TV for him in his room, I don't know why. And it was like I don't know why they couldn't find us one. And we said, okay, we're going to bring in our own TV one. And we said, okay, we're going to bring in our own TV. But we were like really adamant that they knew that this was our TV so that when the time came we were going to take it out and there my brother and I sat, my father still honestly laying in the bed, no longer breathing, and they told us okay, you know, you'll come back in a day or two and collect all his belongings again, feeling surreal and is this really happening? And my brother and I looked at each other and we looked at the TV and at 4.30 AM we walked out of the nursing home with my father just passing away 20 minutes earlier, carrying this damn TV. And you know, my brother and I just laughed. I mean, I think it was just this comical emotional release. And the funny thing is that TV sat in my basement. Nobody ever used it until about a year ago when I finally cleaned out my basement. At that point the TV was like I don't know, 20-something years old, didn't even work. But we were so worried about that TV and I think it was a way of almost blocking out what had just happened. What had just happened Denial it's. We just can't process the news and that whole denial defense mechanism thing kind of helps us.

Speaker 1: 9:37

The next stage is anger. Why did this happen? It's not fair. How come me, how come them? You know, you just get so angry and frustrated and this feeling of helplessness and I think that it is such a natural response. Right, because you're looking around at the rest of the world, gosh, another. I can just I'm going to keep using my father as an example. I remember going back to work five days later and being so angry at the things that other people were thinking about, and talking about trivial things. When I was so angry, I was angry that he was gone. I was angry for the life that he had, how difficult it was, because he was ill for 30 years and it was just. It was tough, but I don't know. I guess anger kind of well now I know that it's a natural phase and I didn't know it. And Elizabeth says in her model that it can serve as a bridge to more profound emotions that the person might be denying.

Speaker 1: 11:07

Next we jump into bargaining. This could be your bargaining with a higher power, with yourself, with fate. It could be if only I didn't, if only I had. What? If this had happened, then this would have never happened, I could have done things differently. Or bargaining with a higher power of oh, please, don't let X happen, I'll never do whatever again. It's trying to regain control of what's going on in your life where you're feeling when someone you love, when you lose someone you love, everything's spinning out of control, and we'll talk in a little bit how that will vary based on the relationship of the person that you lost. But no matter what, there is always some form of feeling out of control and you just want to be able to get your life back, get back in control, because how did this happen? And you just want to make that feeling go away.

Speaker 1: 12:22

And I think that you're trying not really to cope with the pain, because when you get to the next step, the next stage, which is depression, that's when you are beginning to cope with the pain, and depression is marked by such deep sadness and it could be withdrawal right, it could be withdrawal from other people, withdrawal from life, and as we know or I think we mostly know by now is that depression can take on various levels of intensity and if it gets extreme, then we do need to seek professional help. But if it's a stage where it's that overwhelming sense of sorrow and wondering how can I possibly go on without them and life no longer has any meaning, you know what? Those are necessary steps that we need to work through, either ourselves or with a therapist. I feel like we need to go through that. This is a stage to me. This is my own opinion. You have to go through that right, because this is the place where you really are feeling the whole emotion, the whole pain of what you've lost, who you've lost, how your life will now be different, and all the other stages. Maybe you needed to go through those, maybe you didn't, but they're kind of all leading up to the fact that you got to finally deal with it. Because if you don't and you don't get through this stage at the time of the loss, I can guarantee you that at some point in your future it's going to rear its quote unquote ugly head and come back to bite you.

Speaker 1: 14:46

And lastly, stage number five is acceptance. We get to the point where we realize it happened. I'm not okay with it, but I really have no choice but accept it and realize. And now I have to figure out how to live like this. You know I pause because I can. You know I can go on and on and talk about my personal situations of how difficult that is and I can remember. Really I'm going to my because I'm going to talk more about my husband next segment but with my father.

Speaker 1: 15:43

I was his caregiver for 30 years. He didn't live with me but I was still his caregiver and boy, I used to get so irritated and I felt so burdened at the time and all the things. And back then there were no cell phones and he would call my house incessantly and for the smallest things time and time again. I remember sitting there and Gary, my husband, and I being like he's never going to call again and I don't have to plan my life around going to visit him, going to the nursing home or wherever he was living over those past 30 years. It was only a nursing home for the last few and I don't have to worry about driving him to doctor's appointments and all the things. And even though in some way it was a relief, it significantly did change my life and maybe I could say for the better, but not really because the humidity was gone. I wanted all those responsibilities back. That's acceptance. I did accept it. My life was changing and now you know I had some extra time to fill, honestly, without him in my life and I did have to reshape it All right.

Speaker 1: 17:15

Now let's talk about who you lose and obviously there's a plethora of relationships, of people that we could lose, but I just really want to focus on your spouse, your parent or your child. Other than my father, I can thank goodness my mom is still alive and thank goodness I cannot speak personally about the loss of a child. The only one that I can speak about is the loss of a spouse, because if you've been listening, you know that I lost my husband, gary, to terminal cancer on December 30th 2022. So at the time of this, I guess I'm moving closer. I'm a little past 18 months living without him and it is after losing my dad and then my husband. I can say that they're very, very different experiences and, of course, for everyone here again, this would be different based on the relationship that you had with your spouse, with your parent. It's not going to be the same for everyone, but losing a spouse, for me it was a heck of, and it still is a heck of a lot more difficult Because, even though my dad was a part of my everyday life, he was not my life partner, he was not the father of my children, he was not the person that I had this 30 years of being my partner in everything.

Speaker 1: 19:03

I mean everything, years of being my partner in everything. I mean everything. He and I even worked together for 25 years leading up to it. I was part of a couple for 30 years and all of a sudden I wasn't. All of a sudden I was my children's only parent. All of a sudden, I had to figure out was my children's only parent? All of a sudden I had to figure out well, what the heck do I do when water's leaking through my roof and I don't have him to ask or guide me? And what do I do making some major life decisions alone, alone? I thought I would forever be part of a team. I loved being part of a team.

Speaker 1: 19:50

And look, our marriage was very far from perfect and the last decade it was almost like I didn't have a partner, but he was alive. And to a certain extent I still did have a partner, maybe not the partner that I wanted, but he was still there. And you know, depending upon your role in the marriage, right, maybe you're all of a sudden you never dealt with the finances, you're all you know or you have young children, you know, I guess, luckily, my children were only were I don't know now I'm thinking about it 20 and 22, or 20 and 21, whatever they were at the time. So even though you know they weren't old, they were older. Even though you know they weren't old, they were older.

Speaker 1: 20:58

And that affected my daily life where sometimes when you lose a parent, it's not the same. When you lose a parent, you know now you've lost kind of your mentor relationship, somebody that you've again typically, depending upon your relationship, often you have gone to for guidance or wisdom or support. I remember when my dad died it was like no man, not my husband, because it's different right, and when you're a parent, you know will ever love me as much as my father did ever. There's no one who will look at me in the same way that he did and support me in those kinds of ways. And you know it's like, like I said, luckily I'm very grateful that my mom is alive, but when you lose both parents now it's that feeling and I get it. You're thinking, oh boy, I'm next Right. It really makes you think about your own mortality. That generation is gone and now you see yourself getting older, you can feel lost and alone because you just don't feel like you have that same support system and sense of love and I take a sigh because the loss of a child, those of you who've had to live through such a horrific, horrific thing, I can't imagine.

Speaker 1: 22:38

My mother actually was just telling me today on the phone that she couldn't believe how many of her friends had actually lost a child and those intense feelings maybe they blame themselves, depending upon how the child died. You're also losing those future dreams for your children, things that you'll never possibly experience, depending on the situation. Your children, things that you'll never possibly experience, depending on the situation, you'll never be a grandparent, you'll never live to see their wedding or their graduation, or you know. Then you have to deal with the siblings and how the whole family dynamic changes and just that feeling of isolation. And I again, I know how it feels when other people have spouses and they're complaining about their spouses and I'm thinking well, at least you have a spouse to complain about. I can't even imagine, I just can't, when you lose a child, it's just truly to me the most unimaginable relationship to lose.

Speaker 1: 23:48

And with time running out, let me just turn to anticipatory grief. That is typically when someone is facing a terminal illness or a long-term decline in health, like Alzheimer's disease, and you know what the outcome is. You don't know when, but slowly you're losing that person. They're alive, but you're losing them. They might physically be alive, but maybe you're mentally losing them. And it's just this mixing of so many different feelings. How do you grieve someone when they're still alive and then you're grieving them, but then yet all of a sudden they might have moments and it seems like they're their old selves and there's possibly hope, and you feel so guilty because you could resent them or way about my dad and about my husband. You know, in hindsight, of course I look back. Why didn't I have more patience? And I feel so guilty about sometimes how I behaved.

Speaker 1: 25:17

You know, dealing with this type of grief, especially if you're dealing with it for a long time, and as a almost lifelong caregiver, I know what this feels like. And it's a perfect time for someone who's dealing with this type of grief to seek support, whether through a therapist, whether it's through a support group with other family members who are dealing with a terminal illness, whether it's through a support group with other family members who are dealing with a terminal illness or Alzheimer's disease or mental illness or Parkinson's, whatever it might be, because it's so helpful to be with other people who just get it, and it's that feeling when they actually die, of this guilt of them Gosh, you don't want them to die, but you want them to die because you don't want to see them suffer. But yet then they die and you think, oh my gosh, I wish this to happen and I didn't want it to happen. It is just such a combination of different emotions that can really eat you alive. And so, from personal experience dealing with this type of situation, well, all therapy can always be of help, but this anticipatory grief, this there's no way to talk about the importance of grief and, you know, in future episodes we'll dive a little deeper, have some guests that maybe have some experience, because it's such an important topic and it's something that, like I said, we all have to deal with.

Speaker 1: 27:26

But how do I end this? How do I end this? On an upbeat note, well, I guess I can say maybe I can and maybe you can Not. Maybe it's difficult. We all will deal with grief at some point in our lives and even though we have to go through all the stages, or as many stages, and all the different relationships, we've got each other's back. That's what we're here for, and that's what I'm always here for.

Speaker 1: 28:00

So please reach out any questions, any support I'm always here for. So please reach out any questions, any support. I'm always here. Dm me on Instagram, debbierweiss, or email me, debbie, at debbie r weisscom. Okay, guys, hang in there, put a smile on your face because maybe you can and I'll see you next week light up your journey to more. Remember every big change starts with a single maybe. If you're ready to kickstart that change but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you Head over to download my free guide, the One Critical Step to Kickstart Change, and take that all-important first step. Let's make those maybes into reality, one sprinkle at a time. Catch you next Tuesday at 4 pm Eastern, 1 pm Pacific, with more stories, tips and that extra push you might need. I'm Debbie saying goodbye for now, but always remember maybe, just maybe, you can.

Speaker 2: 29:32

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