Maybe I Can with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 92: A Sprinkle of Resilience

• Debbie Weiss

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In this episode, we explore the true meaning of resilience and how it helps us navigate life's toughest challenges. Whether it’s losing a loved one, facing health issues, or becoming a caregiver, resilience is about more than just getting through difficult times—it’s about learning and growing from them. I share my personal journey of building resilience through life’s ups and downs, including the unexpected challenges I faced after losing my husband. We’ll also talk about practical tools, like journaling, that can help you strengthen your resilience and thrive, no matter what comes your way.

Debbie Weiss
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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities one sprinkle at a time. If you've ever found yourself asking is this all there is to life, then you're in the right place. I'm Debbie author, speaker, entrepreneur and coach, and every Tuesday I'm here to share a sprinkle of hope and inspiration. Together, we'll uncover the more of hope and inspiration. Together we'll uncover the more More joy, more fulfillment, more prosperity, more fun. We'll share stories of transformation, actionable tips and that little nudge you need to take the next step. So let's embark on this journey of discovery and say maybe I can, to a life filled with more, ready to find out. Let's get started. The Maybe I Can Show starts now.

Speaker 1:

Hello everyone, welcome on this sunny, very sunny, beautiful early fall day At least that's what it's like here in New Jersey. One of those days that you, I don't know, wait for, live for. You know how there's, like these top 10 beautiful days of the year, you know, like those perfect days. Well, that's today, although I don't know how. I know that because I've been inside working all day and I'm taping, and it's four o'clock Eastern time, so maybe I'll make it outside Anyhow, I digress. So today you're just stuck with me. Maybe that's why I digress?

Speaker 1:

Because I don't have a wonderful guest this week to chat it up with, but I will next week, and my guest next week will actually be someone who embodies what we're going to be discussing today, and the topic for today's show is a sprinkle of resilience. Let me ask you have you ever lost a job, had health problems, relationship issues, lost a loved one? Heck, have you had any challenge in your life? I'm guessing. If you're a human, the answer to that is yes, and if you're listening to this today, I'm kind of betting that you not only survived that challenge, but possibly you've also maybe grown and learned from that.

Speaker 1:

Because you know, I think to me part of resilience and I think we don't even realize when we're in the thick of the challenge. I don't even think we realize until we look back and see the impact of that challenge and how it has forced us to grow in some way, and I think so many of us when we look back on most of our challenges, most of them, and actually, as I was preparing for this show today and I'll share this with you a little bit later, as sorry Yogi, I knew I was gonna step on him as I was preparing for this show today, I was thinking about some of the stories that I was going to share, and one of the stories I might share a little later is something and I thought to myself you know, that's one where I wouldn't want to go back and relive, because I think for most of us and for most of the things in my life, I look back on them now. I don't want to go back and live through that again. Yet I wouldn't go back and change anything, because now, looking back, I can see what that taught me and how I grew from that. Heck. If I hadn't been through all of my life's challenges to date, I wouldn't be talking to you now and nothing would have ever made me think that I would be the person talking to you about being resilient, because, as a young girl being resilient, because as a young girl, I and I I think I've mentioned this not only was I a fraidy cat, I was, I was scared of, of everything, and from an early age, I was bullied about my weight and you know, I was not that person who was ready to stand up to the bully. I was not that person who was ready to take challenges head on. I mean, some kids are those kids, and that was not me. I was always grabbing onto my mother's leg, hiding behind her.

Speaker 1:

As a matter of fact, I think one of the first challenges, really, that I faced, other than being bullied as a child, was something that I probably manifested because, as a little girl, one of the things I worried about was having my parents get divorced. I don't recall my parents fighting. I don't recall me having any reason to worry about this. I think I watched some of my friends and what they went through when their parents were separated or divorced, and to me it was just unimaginable, something that I couldn't live through. And then, when I was 12 years old, it happened. My parents sat, my brother and I, down one day and told us my father was moving. You know, I was already kind of like locking horns with my mom, and so the idea that my father was leaving me was just devastating. I mean beyond my wildest dreams. Just devastating, I mean beyond my wildest dreams. And, long story short, they separated, got back together, separated, got back together, separated and did get back together and stayed together for a few more years. They did divorce when I was in my early twenties, but at that time, with all the separating and coming back together, I mean, I all of a sudden turned into a 12 year old with a mission.

Speaker 1:

I found out things about myself I never knew existed and all of a sudden I took on the role and responsibility of making sure that they got back together and they did. Now am I taking responsibility for this? No, but this was something I thought I couldn't survive. I couldn't survive it. I couldn't imagine how my friends had survived it. I did, and that was the start of learning that, hey, I can face a challenge and I'm going to be okay. And maybe I won't realize it at the time, but that challenge is actually going to teach me something that I needed to learn. Those challenges, one after another, gave me confidence, which, in turn, built my resilience, which, over time, made me feel like, okay, I can come back from something. I can not only come back from something, but I can take something from this experience and move forward.

Speaker 1:

You know, as I went on in life and faced more and more challenges and as you're listening, you know I became a caregiver to my dad when he was when I was 17,. He had turned 46 and that was stepping into a big role and continued my caregiving and dealt with other other hardships as as we all do Right. And I couldn't stand when people would say to me I don't know how you do it, you are so strong, know how you do it, you are so strong. And at first, when I was younger, I would kind of like pat myself on the back and, you know, put my head up and be like, yeah, I am really strong, I must be stronger than all these other people, which, of course, is not true. I don't have some very strong resilience muscles, stronger than everybody else. But I think what I did have, especially at such an early age, was practice.

Speaker 1:

Resilience is not necessarily something, a fixed trait that we're born with, you know. It is something that we build and can learn over time. And I, at a young age, just had dealt with a lot more than most of my adult friends, and so I had cultivated that resilience muscle. You know, a lot of people think that it's just about recovering from these really traumatic, tough situations, but if you think about it, resilience plays a role in our everyday lives. I mean, every day we come up with a challenge, right, something it could be in our work, in our personal life. It could be in my goodness, it could be in dealing in traffic, it could be anything and everything, and we need to see how all of these little challenges that we face head on can are good for us. Yeah, we might not like it, but it is making us into a stronger person and making us see that, no matter what, no matter how bad, no matter what it is, as long as we continue to face things head on, because it's not about putting our head in the sand. You know, a lot of times, look, let's face it, something tough happens. I'm not saying my husband died.

Speaker 1:

Do you think that the next day or that day I was like, okay, I'm feeling really resilient, let's get on with the rest of my life? Heck, no, did I just want to turn off all the lights, get into bed and not come out? Absolutely. Is it okay to do that? I'm not a therapist. My personal feeling is sure it's okay to do that. It's how long are you going to do that? That is where the problem comes in, and I think, with all our challenges, you know that when I was a kid, that was my first thing Challenge, okay, turn around and run the other way.

Speaker 1:

I remember in high school when there were pay phones, and because there weren't pay phones in like junior, high and elementary school, but in high school if I knew oh gosh, seventh period I'm going to be in an uncomfortable social situation because you know Kim, and I'm making Kim up. Kim is in my class and she's mad at me and I don't want to face her. I get on the payphone at lunchtime mom, you got to come pick me up and I either tell her the truth or make up some story which she was on to me. She didn't believe and she'd say sorry, debbie, no, you have to go face it. And I I hated my mother for it in those moments, but of course, now I'm grateful because she taught me that I can't avoid and we can't avoid our challenges. We have to face them head on and keep in mind that you know, it's kind of like resilience is associated also with that psychological mindset being this is who I am, I can't change anything, I'm a victim, this is my life, and that's that, with the growth mindset, knowing that you're evolving, that you are looking for opportunities, growth opportunities, and knowing that these challenges are something that you do have to face because through them you will grow.

Speaker 1:

You know, even it has been linked resilience and our health. There's a link to both our mental and physical health, because resilience reduces your stress right the more experience we have at facing the challenge head on. And even if we don't succeed, or we don't think that we're succeeding in that moment, it doesn't make a difference, because just by facing the challenge, win or lose, we've succeeded and we have grown. So the more we have that, the easier it is. The next challenge that we face is to be able to take a breath, know that we are going to be able to handle, whether we like it or not, because most times we're not going to like it, but we'll be able to handle it. And then, of course, that in turn, it also improves our immune function, believe it or not.

Speaker 1:

So what's the story that I was going to tell you? The story that, um, that I'm looking back, I this is one I would not want to relive and I don't think this was necessary, but you know, life throws these curveball curveballs at you. So my husband, in June of 2022, was diagnosed with MDS, which is a form of blood cancer. For him, there was no cure. However, prior to that he had had a lot of other health issues, but also had mental health issues and had suffered from anxiety and depression Didn't really realize the extent of that mental illness and in May of 2022, this was a difficult thing I actually you can't't.

Speaker 1:

It's. It's hard to explain. It's another whole episode involuntarily commit someone, but basically I I did get him to agree to um go into a mental health unit at our local hospital and he was there for a week and he came out a completely different man. I mean, oh my goodness, just hopeful, optimistic, had a great attitude about therapy, which you know, therapy was just something that he kind of wasn't for him, he was never successful at and didn't see the value, at least not for himself and all of a sudden he was the star student in his uh groups that he attended. Once he came home and I got to tell you for the first time in years because, again, his anxiety and depression were really weighing the whole family down, without really realizing what was happening in the moment, and all of it was like, you know, the heavens, the clouds parted and the sun came down and it was like, oh my goodness, it was almost like, wow, why didn't, why didn't this happen earlier, right, and then boom, six weeks later he's told he's going to die. I mean, kind of a sick joke, don't you think? For all of us.

Speaker 1:

And in the beginning, for about a month, he had a good attitude, as good an attitude as anyone can have. He had a good attitude until the first thing happened to him, a physical thing where he got an infection and had to be hospitalized, and it quickly spiraled downhill not necessarily his physical health, but his mental health. And by the end of October he was not getting out of bed, he was not attending doctor's appointments, he was angry and argumentative, and all of his doctors at that point he had a palliative care doctor and he had the oncologist, and he had his regular GP and he was still seeing a therapist all online, you know online. And they all said Deb, he's got to go back and, you know, check himself in back into, you know, a mental health clinic. And he wouldn't have it. And my son begged me mom, mom, you have to call, meaning call 911. You have to call. And eventually I did. Well, let's just say that it wasn't like the first time. It was far from it. It was a horrific experience from start to finish.

Speaker 1:

He had a break with reality. He had a psychotic break with reality. He despised me. He told me he wanted a divorce, how much he hated me. He told me to not visit him once he was in the local hospital. He, you know, he kind of let me come, but he kept. He was, he was. He had a break with reality. Let's just say that.

Speaker 1:

And about a week in they said we can't keep him here. He's not making any improvements, he's actually getting worse. He needs to go to another facility and even though it was explained to him, he wasn't understanding and when they came to take him he thought he was going home and instead they took him somewhere an hour away that I never saw the inside of but evidently was a hellhole. I'm thankful that the psychiatrist there realized that the problem was that he was taking off some medication too quickly and that's what caused the psychotic break and they put him back on. And he, you know, because when he first got there they're telling me like he's not getting out of here, which was terrifying, and so I think it was December 2nd, and so I think it was December 2nd he was released and he was not happy with it and I don't think that I needed to live it. And, heck, it wasn't even he was the one who was going through it, and that's why I kind of live with that guilt of if I had known that December 2nd was going to die December 30th, well, heck, of course I never would have made that phone call.

Speaker 1:

But you do what you, you know, you do what you. You make the best decision with the information that you have right now. Right, hindsight is 2020, all of that. But dealing with mental illness, for me, of all of the difficulty that I've had in my life, is something that has certainly been a growing experience and it has shown me the power of my resilience, because to be the one to make those decisions, to have my husband, um, basically hate me and again, he might not have been in his right mind and he certainly wasn't standing any of this this is, I think, that's harder for me than losing him, but yet, but yet I've gone through it. It has. It really has taught me how I can live through things that mental illness, mds, right, you know, I remember when Sam, my son, was first diagnosed on the autism spectrum and they said, well, and I kept asking everybody well, what do you do, what do you think?

Speaker 1:

And they would say to me you're the mom. And they would say to me you're the mom Okay, I'm the mom of a two-year-old, so he's my oldest, so I'm like just a mom. But I have never even, of course, I had heard of autism. I had no what autism spectrum disorder was. I didn't, I didn't know anything. And it's this horrible feeling of feeling like I will never be able to figure this out. I did, I learned and I did learn that I was the right person to come to because he was and is my son, and I can say the same thing about my husband. And so all of us have this capacity, so much more capacity than we realize we have it.

Speaker 1:

Life can beat the crap out of us, and I'm sure it has. I'm sure it has knocked you down, just like it's knocked me down, but it has not knocked us out. And you and I have learned through resilience to get through these things. In the beginning, when I first lost Gary, when, when he did die, you think you'll and again doesn't have to be the loss of a loved one you think you'll never learn to live through the pain. You'll never survive the next day, the next minute, right, the next minute, literally. But we do. And then we begin to tackle one at a time and we realize, okay, it's in these small steps we can. We can do it. Once again, I've rambled and I don't have enough time, but there are ways to build resilience, and so let me just ramble some of them off to you so that give you something to think about.

Speaker 1:

Taking care of yourself, self-care is gosh. It is the key to everything. It really really is Gosh. It is the key to everything. It really really is. And for my majority of my life, I was under the ridiculous impression that it was selfish, but it's not, because when we do care for ourselves, that gives us the capacity to help others to deal with our challenges better, right. When you are not taking care of yourself, you don't have that frame of mind, your stress level is through the roof and that makes it difficult to be resilient. It makes it difficult to face the challenges, it makes it difficult to not want to stay in bed all the time. So the number one rule is to take care of yourself, and I need to do a whole episode on self-care. Note to self, I'm going to do that sometime in September, because I believe I read somewhere that September might be self-care awareness month. Don't quote me on that, I'm going to check it. So get back to me, I'll get back to you on that.

Speaker 1:

Tbd, we'll be talking more about self-care and the different forms that it comes in. For me and I've discussed it, I've found really journaling very helpful writing out your feelings, whatever's on top of mind, open up a blank piece of paper, a computer, whatever it is, and just write it and be grateful. Gratitude it comes back to gratitude. Even though you're facing challenges, times can be really, really tough. There is always something to be grateful for and especially when we're in those challenging times, having a support network around you is so important, so important. Especially you know those that you know and trust, and it could be a professional as well as family, friends, support groups and you know you. Also, a tool is to learn to be flexible and adaptable, because if you go into a challenging situation only thinking it's this way or the highway, you're going to be in a lot of trouble.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so with that, let me leave you with, actually, a quote that my own quote, that I pulled from my upcoming book the Sprinkle Effect on from Chapter 12, a Sprinkle of Resilience capable of more than you think. With each new challenge you overcome, you will not only survive but also thrive. Don't forget it. You're resilient, you got this and I can't wait to talk to you again next week. Thanks for spending part of your day with me here on Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities one sprinkle at a time. It's been great having you and I hope you're leaving with a spark to light up your journey to more.

Speaker 1:

Remember every big change starts with a single maybe. If you're ready to kickstart that change but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you to kickstart that change, but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you. Head over to download my free guide the One Critical Step to Kickstart Change and take that all-important first step. Let's make those maybes into reality, one sprinkle at a time. Catch you next Tuesday at 4 pm Eastern, 1 pm Pacific, with more stories, tips and that extra push you might need. I'm Debbie saying goodbye for now, but always remember maybe, just maybe, you can.

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