Maybe I Can with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 99: Redefining Life: Alexis Carpenter's Journey of Resilience

• Debbie Weiss

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Alexis Carpenter is the Author of "Changing the Reflection: The Faces We Wear and the Truths They Hide." A memoir filled with stories of her trials and tribulations stemming from foster care, addiction, and overcoming deep losses. She's also a Life & Leadership coach helping women rediscover who they are and rewrite their stories to live the life they truly desire.


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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities one sprinkle at a time. If you've ever found yourself asking is this all there is to life, then you're in the right place. I'm Debbie author, speaker, entrepreneur and coach, and every Tuesday, I'm here to share a sprinkle of hope and inspiration. Together, we'll uncover the more More joy, more fulfillment, more prosperity, more fun. We'll share stories of transformation, actionable tips and that little nudge you need to take the next step. So let's embark on this journey of discovery and say maybe I can to a life filled with more, ready to find out. Let's get started. The Maybe I Can Show starts now.

Speaker 1:

Well, welcome back to the Maybe I Can Podcast. I'm your host, debbie Weiss, and thank you so much for tuning in today. Today, I feel just so grateful that I have my friend author Alexis Carpenter as our guest today. But before we bring her in, I have to give one last pitch for my own authorship and if you're listening to this live, you have until Friday, the 25th, to sign up for my launch team. That just means on the 28th we're going to send you a digital copy of the Sprinkle Effect as well as the Sprinkle Effect workbook. We just ask that you read it over. And then, when the book launches on November 11th, you buy them each for $0.99 on Amazon, and then you leave us an Amazon review an honest review A good one would be nice, but, you know, honest and then I will send you your choice of a couple of different prizes.

Speaker 1:

Here's a few of them. Aren't these so cute, alexis? This one is a sprinkle of joy mug. If you can't see and you're listening, I'm holding something up, and this is a sprinkle of belief leaf. One more other mug choice. But then, just before I hit record, the actual workbook came in the mail today. So that would be. Your other choice is the actual physical copy of the workbook, just for being a part of the launch team. So if you're interested, there's a link in the show notes, or feel free to shoot me an email at debbie, at debbie r weisscom. Okay, thank you, and back to the show. Alright, so let me tell you a little something about Alexis. Alexis is the author of changing the reflection, the faces we wear, truths they Hide. A memoir filled with stories of her trials and tribulations stemming from foster care, addiction and overcoming deep losses. She's also a life and leadership coach, helping women rediscover who they are and rewrite their stories to live the life they truly desire. Well, hello, my friend, welcome to the show.

Speaker 2:

Hi, oh my gosh, I'm so excited to be here with you.

Speaker 1:

So I just first have to tell the audience that Alexis and I met taking our Soul Author Journey course. I was working on my second book and she just started to work on this book. I don't know, had you even written anything when you first started? No, nope, nope. So she just had a goal and here it is, I'm holding in my hands and let me tell you. I read it, and no words, no words. Honestly, you know what my words were. Anytime that I'm complaining about something, I have to shut up, just shut up after reading about this woman's life story. So, before we get into it and I'm sure you're going to share a little bit of it now, when I ask you the question that I ask all my guests, which is can you tell us about a time when you went from a defeated I can't. Attitude to a more empowered?

Speaker 2:

maybe I can mindset yeah, oh my gosh. Well, honestly, I was thinking about this question and I really have to say the book. I didn't think that I could write the book and I use the excuse because I'm dyslexic. There's no way I could ever write the book. There's no way my writing would be good enough for anybody to want to read it. My story is not going to be good enough. It's just too dark and too depressing. And then it was the maybe I can and I joined the group and, honestly, you are a huge part of that, your support and love and encouragement, and every time I think about that first time, even reading in front of you and Lauren and everybody and I was like shut your screens off everything.

Speaker 2:

And so, for me, that was really, really the moment of I can actually share my truths and I can do it in a way that is true to me, and dyslexia is not my thing, that's going to stop me from doing anything right Like that's just one obstacle that I can overcome and, honestly, it was even more rewarding knowing that I wrote the book with that struggle. So, um yeah, I think that that that would be it.

Speaker 1:

You know, I just listened to um Henry Winkler's memoir and you know his whole story about dyslexia not getting diagnosed until later in life and then, of course, writing his children's series about what was his name? Hank I can't remember what the character's name is but about having dyslexia and it's hard enough to do it. Not having dyslexia or a learning disability I can't even imagine. And everyone, when you read it, you just will be blown away by Alexis's descriptive use of language and it just puts you right in it of language and it just puts you right in it and really, like my, my insides were ripping open from the very first story. And there's so much in the book. But I just want to touch upon some of the highlights or or lowlights, because that was the thing. Like you said, it could be a depressing book because you have had. You have had a life, yeah, yeah, starting like the book basically opens when you're two years old in foster care, do you? Obviously you wrote those stories. Are those your first memories, like you know, of being in that position?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, really that, which is ironic, because most of the time they say that you can't remember anything before five. And I remember asking I was like, how in the world can I remember that? And I was like, did I create that? But when you go through something so traumatic that it can actually be something that is, it comes up and becomes a story that you remember. And so, yeah, I do remember that and it was primarily, I think, for me. I wanted to put that story because it was I started life in such a dark area. But then I got to experience that moment with my mom that I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about when she was in rehab and we had that picnic and it was literally the perfect day and, although it was like the worst environment to be in, it was one of the most cherished moments that I have, because it literally reminded me that love can help me get through any type of pain, and so, yeah, I held onto that.

Speaker 1:

I love that you so you were in foster care because your mom had an addiction problem and your dad was out of the picture, yep. And so you're with this foster family who, uh, does not treat you very kindly, to say the least.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no, they were terrible. Um, you know, and I I think about that, like why in the world couldn't I get one of the nice foster parents that you know really cherish and love the children? But no, it was. I don't want to give too much away, but it really was like one of those places where it was manipulation. You know, using food food is cruelty and not knowing are you get to eat. It was squash.

Speaker 2:

You know, morning, noon and night, if at all, that you know we were, we were fed and, um, you know, being locked in in rooms, like my brother was, and I was set outside their room in a crib and it was just like, no matter what you did you, you were always doing something wrong and you were going to be punished for it, and so it was kind of it created this scarcity for anybody. It didn't matter who you were right, it could be somebody like my grandparents that loved us. We were still very timid even in that situation because of that being the introduction of people that were supposed to be safe ended up not being safe.

Speaker 1:

And I mean the fact that you know this one day where you go visit your mom and it's so great. All that I felt was I can't imagine just the pain I felt. Thinking about you having this perfect day and then being ripped away to go back to this horrible place Almost makes it more painful, because you see what it could be and yet you're going back to this hell eventually. Luckily, your mom um comes out and is able to get you guys to come home with her. Yeah, which must have been amazing, definitely yeah. But then then you start school and talk about how you just felt like you never fit in, for several reasons, right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, it was, um, it's, I think, really.

Speaker 2:

I what for me, writing the story and like remembering this, I was like it's, it's really um, we don't think about it in the aspect of like our differences until somebody points it out, right, Like I didn't, I grew up, you know, for six years of my life I just grew up in thinking that I was the same, like I never realized or thought about the difference until the moments of I noticed people were treating me different and it happened to be because of my skin color. So it's just really weird when you think about that, because you don't grow up, you don't or you're not born thinking about those types of things, You're taught those things that you're different. And it's like, you know, my heart beats the same as yours does and there's really nothing different except the pigment on my skin. So, yeah, trying to understand that and navigate that at such a young age, after already dealing with so much, you know it just kind of adds on to the trauma and your displacement in the world and really that sense of not belonging anywhere.

Speaker 1:

Just so disappointing to think. I mean, I know it's not current day and age, but still it wasn't that long ago. I mean, you're only in your mid 30s. So to think you know 30 years ago that you were being treated like that and ostracized and bullied and all the things, and so you originally had no friends, right? You spent a lot of time alone.

Speaker 2:

Yep, yep, my brother was my best friend, yeah yep, yep, my brother was my best friend.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, thank goodness for him. And then I love the story, maybe share a little bit with, uh, charlene yes, oh my gosh, I love this. She was a, um, just a ray of sunshine, truly, and I think, fine. So Charlene was my best friend for 26 years. She has passed, but I, I think for me it was really understanding that not everybody was the same right, like for me, in the beginning it felt like the whole world was against me, but it was really like just her act of kindness of saying hi and wanting to sit with me when nobody else did, was like, oh okay, so maybe and I think that was the the peak behind the curtains like, oh, okay, if I can hold onto this, and maybe there is somewhere that I belong and maybe everything is not the same.

Speaker 2:

And I think, um, that was like really my first like concept of there is more, there is hope, there is something I I can hold on to. So, yeah, she, I'm like everybody. I just want people to read that story. I don't really want to give that one away, but I just, yeah, I think everybody needs a Charlene in their life and it really was just the compassion, love and kindness that she showed me really changed my entire life and from that moment on I was like I want to be that for everybody else and that's really just been something that I've done since I met her, so I'm so thankful.

Speaker 1:

It just goes to show you you know, you don't even realize, when you are kind to someone, what you could really be giving them. And and I love the way that she just was like, just matter of fact, the way you should be, she's the way you absolutely should be, and even though this is not in order of your life, but it really stuck with me and I know you remember a couple of months ago, when we were on our group call and I don't remember what the topic was that even came up about this, about the color of your skin, and I was like what? And you were saying something that what do you call it again, being othered, being othered, like that you don't belong in the white group or the black group. Basically, like nobody.

Speaker 1:

Each has their own reason for kind of saying no, you don't belong here. Which I said I find it so hard to understand because my niece, my niece's daughter, my cousin's grandchildren they're beautiful, beautiful mixtures as well and I just I don't know, it never dawned on me and it just really reminded me that, no matter what, until you really walk in someone's shoes, you have no idea what it feels like, and I just found it very disheartening. Yeah, and you still feel that way because you still get those vibes from people.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's really. Yeah, we were talking about the podcast. I had mentioned Megan Markle. She has the archetype podcast, I think it was, and she was. She had mentioned this othered feeling and I was like, oh my gosh, that's exactly how I feel.

Speaker 2:

And then it really it was like one of those things that put it in perspective. Like when I have conversations with people, it the demeanor and like the maybe tension or atmosphere feels very different than other types of conversations and it was really a sense of like a work environment that I was in and it was from the very welcoming. You know like when I came on, nobody came to see me, Nobody really said hi, it wasn't very welcoming. And then just a month later, somebody else came in and you know it was very everybody came down, it was like this really big to do, um, and it just it sat with me so differently and then I was just like okay, but I I feel like there's no really place where I belong and it really brought me back to that little girl of sitting in the cafeteria by herself and then I had to also be like okay, well, we belong to us, to me, you know like, and that is really home and I think what I've learned since that conversation is that if we can allow ourself to belong to us, the outside expectation really is irrelevant and obviously it hurts, and it's something that I still want to talk about and just make people aware, because it's not even to your point.

Speaker 2:

You weren't consciously thinking about something like this, so it's just like whatever, you know, like I didn't notice that, but when you're in it, you know I pick out all of the things. You know. When I walk into a store, it's very different than maybe when you walk into a store. I have to think about every action, make sure I'm smiling, making sure that it doesn't seem like a threatening approach, which sounds crazy, and I probably don't need to do that anymore. However, my past experiences is something that has really, like, continued to bring that on, and then, of course, media and all of that really ties into how people feel.

Speaker 2:

But, yeah, so the other feeling is like I don't really know where I belong. I don't know my black cultural background, but then I also know that there's this very big, prominent difference between me and my white family which I grew up with. So it's not, you know, like there's nothing for me there. I'm like, yes, I love that you're all my people. But it's just like, really like understanding how do I fit in and how can I still feel validated even in those circumstances? And what I found is really just, I'm my home and I know my heart and I know that, regardless, I belong as a human being. I don't, you know, it has nothing to do with me being black or white, but you know, again, it does to a point.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, which I agree, and I love that you came to that, and I think that's how it should be for all of us. Right, we all have our differences. I think the differences is that yours is obvious. Yeah, actually, when I think about Sam, my son, it was just the opposite. Like I wish he could wear a sign, because if they don't know, you know his brain doesn't work the same as everyone else, so don't be looking at him and saying, you know? Yeah, I feel like maybe if they knew in his case, they'd be kinder or more understanding.

Speaker 1:

It's so, so gosh, it's so hard, but it's so well, it could be. It kills me. So it shouldn't be this way. It just shouldn't be this way, period, and the fact that even today, you still are experiencing that pains me. So that led you to think for a while that you were a bad person, and I know there was some heart wrenching stories in there about sexual abuse, and yet you were made to feel that it was all your fault. Yeah, and I mean one thing after another. Yeah, and I mean one thing after another. So many messages that just said you don't fit in, you're a bad person, you know you don't belong here. How did you ever? I mean, I know then you got into an addiction problem and I'm thinking to myself well, how the heck could you not Literally Like I don't understand? How can you cope with this, especially at that age? You don't have the tools to cope with this.

Speaker 2:

No, no, you don't. And I think now I think it's really, and maybe it's just because I'm immersed in the development world now, but it's like I really don't ever remember people talking about development and self-growth and things like that. So it's like it wasn't really a tool. And now that I can look back at it, you know I can obviously hold compassion for myself and my mom and all of the people. But when you're young like that, it's just like the world is raining down on you, just telling you exactly and it's like every sign points to you don't belong here.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, for me it was alcohol and again, addiction runs very deep in my family which I talked about and it was my escape feeling that it wasn't as lethal as maybe drugs were.

Speaker 2:

But again, like the stories that you'll read, you'll realize very quickly that it can be just as deadly and scary and all of the things.

Speaker 2:

And I'm really glad that I think, even up until the last couple of years, I never even said that I had a problem. It wasn't until I actually wrote the words on the page that I actually had confronted myself to say, no, you were an addict, like you know, like this is something that you actually did morning noon and like you were always drinking to cope with life and um, you know that that is addiction, you know, and there was no way around that. So, um, I'm glad that that's not my, my thing anymore, but in the in the time, like the numbness that I got to feel, it was almost like little escapes from the pain and the constant, because it, like life has really been a roller coaster of constants even up until now. You know again, even just thinking just a couple weeks ago, like another loss, and so it's just like a continuous thing of the world is really trying to crush you sometimes and you just have to hold on and know that maybe tomorrow will be better.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, oh, my goodness, did you? I mean you must have always, I have to think. I mean even, like I said, with addiction. Who wouldn't have experienced addiction? It completely makes sense. Anybody would want to escape those feelings that you had and the not supportive surroundings that you were in at the time, kind of like nowhere to turn to other than alcohol, which, like I said, makes complete sense. And then, as an adult, you just all these people that you love so much, taken from you at ridiculously early ages. I mean I don't know, how do you cope? I mean I feel like from someone who's also you know, who hasn't suffered from grief, but honestly, yeah, yours just seems to be excessive. How do you keep getting back up and how do you keep dealing with it? I mean, I know what you said, but in the meantime you got to feel like really seriously again. I mean come on.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I. For me, honestly, it seemed like everything happened around something good, so something good would happen, and then catastrophic event would happen. And so even this last time, you know, obviously the book launch was just like three weeks later or two weeks later and I was like I don't even want to launch the book anymore because I feel like that's something good and what else is going to happen? I think for me it's been. It's a roller coaster and I have come to terms with not every day is going to be good, and there's going to be days where grief is just overtaking me and I don't have to explain that to anybody and I can sit in a room and cry if I need to, and not before I wouldn't allow myself to do that. I'm like you're weak if you do this, like you just need to show up and be strong. And what I realized is like, okay, strength is actually showing people that grief is hard and life is hard, right, like life is just hard and it's beautiful and it's ugly and it's messy and it's all of the things in between. And until I really allowed myself to feel, um, the pain, then that's when I actually started to do the work and I just one thing I keep holding onto is I'm like it hurts so bad because I loved so deeply and I think that's also a gift when you think about it.

Speaker 2:

Not everybody gets to experience that kind of love in their life, and so it's just like I was lucky enough to experience that and, yeah, I wish it could have lasted forever, but it can't.

Speaker 2:

And yeah, so I just, I really like I have to hold onto that and yeah, I wish it could have lasted forever, but it can't. Um, and yeah, so I, just I, I really like I have to hold on to that and I have to hold on to that little sliver of gratitude, uh, because it can quickly get away and it can turn dark, and you know I did. There were two years of my life I was completely depressed, um, you know, to the point where, like, I'm now still trying to pick up the pieces in my home to get things wrapped up and back to normal, and I don't know that they ever will be. But I think grief is just one of those things where we have to give ourselves patience and we have to be gentle and allow ourself to feel the anger, the sadness, the, the joy, the, the gratitude, the moments of messiness, and just it's all of the above. It's not just one thing.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, and it switches from, like you said, one minute fine and the next minute not, and it's yeah, it's something you don't want to get good at. So, with that said, what does resilience mean to you and how do you think, how have you been able, through so many difficult times and tragedies, been able to be resilient? Were you always that way?

Speaker 2:

Um, I don't think that there's ever been a time in my life that I haven't been resilient, and not because I knew how to be it or do it. I think it was just survival for me. I think it was just that was the only option is to be resilient, is to, um, every day, just get back up, every moment, get back up, and sometimes it looks like I'm going second by second, minute by minute, um, or hour by hour, um. But yeah, I think resilience really is knowing that things are going to crash, things are going to burn and they're going to get bad, and just allowing yourself that space but then picking yourself back up right, like we can stay at the bottom or we can stand back up, and thankfully, every time I've been able to stand back up. And that, to me, is resilience, is knowing that you could get hurt again tomorrow, but today I decided to stand today.

Speaker 1:

I decide to stand. Love that, love that. So you've been successful in the corporate world. What made you want to write a book and, you know, branch out on your own, helping people when? Where did that come from, when, what, and what's that journey been like for you?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, well, I think before the book like coaching and things like that just connecting with people, helping them experience that transition hat or transformation has been for me. That has been like something I've always wanted to do, and it goes back to the Charlene thing. I wanted to be a guide for other people so that they could experience some sort of transformation in life and know that it's not always ugly and it's really what we decide, that we're going to have it be. Our circumstances don't define our destiny. We do, and I know that's easier said than done but that for me had become a mission. I wanted to show people that there is more hope there. It's not everything. Not everything is going to be dark in life.

Speaker 2:

But the book for me really happened after Jordan passed away and the realization and that epiphany of people won't know his story, and that broke my heart. And then I really started thinking about myself and what will people remember about me? And all I could remember is the curated versions of myself and I said I just want people to know my truth and that's really like how it was birthed, like I didn't want to hide anymore. I didn't want to have the pressure of not being able to show up as who I am and um. So I wrote the book and I exposed all of my truths, as as you read, um, and I just hope that that provides hope for somebody else that no matter how ugly your past has been been, or even your current situation, your future can always be better if you decide to make it better.

Speaker 1:

Wow, just wow. You know my dog is barking, which is very distracting to me, and what you just said was so beautiful and perfect and I want all of my listeners to to get a copy and read this book, because this woman is so inspiring, such a beautiful, beautiful soul, and I can't believe it. It really does. It's so funny how we each just have our own perceptions right and I get it because I was scared to go out with my own story. But you know what, when you read this, you're even more inspiring, you're even. You know what I mean. Like I said, when I'm reading this and I remember you were saying in an earlier conversation before the book was done, about like sharing, about your addiction I'm thinking, oh, for goodness sake, is she kidding who wouldn't? I mean?

Speaker 2:

why would?

Speaker 1:

anybody possibly see that as something negative. So anyhow, Changing the Reflection by Alexis Carpenter Please, Alexis, tell everyone where they can get it and where they can find more about you.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes, well, you can get it on Amazon, barnes Noble, or directly through me. You can just DM me on Instagram if you want, at Alexis M Carpenter. All of my platforms are actually just Alexis M Carpenter, so Instagram, linkedin, facebook and then my website soon to be will also be the same thing, so you will literally be able to get into my world through any of just type in Alexis M Carpenter and I'll pop up M as in Mary right, yes, okay, just checking.

Speaker 1:

Okay. Well, alexis, thank you so much for taking the time to share your amazing story with us today. I really appreciate it.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for having me. This was amazing. I just love you. I love you too.

Speaker 1:

And I love you guys too, so I can't wait to see you next week. Thanks so much for being here and make it a great one. Thanks for spending part of your day with me here on Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. It's been great having you and I hope you're leaving with a spark to light up your journey to more. Remember, every big change starts with a single maybe. If you're ready to kickstart that change but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you head over to download my free guide, the one critical step to kickstart change and take that all-important first step. Let's make those maybes into reality, one sprinkle at a time. Catch you you next Tuesday at 4 pm Eastern, 1 pm Pacific, with more stories, tips and that extra push you might need. I'm Debbie saying goodbye for now, but always remember maybe, just maybe, you can.

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