Maybe I Can with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 101: Balancing Caregiving & Self-Care with Elizabeth Miller

• Debbie Weiss

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In this episode I’ll be speaking with Elizabeth Miller, founder of Happy Healthy Caregiver©, who brings her firsthand experience as a family caregiver to help others find balance between caregiving and self-care. Elizabeth’s journey of supporting her aging parents and brother with a developmental disability, while also raising her children and working full-time, taught her the critical importance of prioritizing her own health and happiness. Join us as we dive into practical strategies for integrating self-care into the busy life of a caregiver, discovering why the most essential part of caregiving is making sure you are cared for too.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. If you've ever found yourself asking is this all there is to life, then you're in the right place. I'm Debbie author, speaker, entrepreneur and coach, and every Tuesday I'm here to share a sprinkle of hope and inspiration. Together, we'll uncover the more More joy, more fulfillment, more prosperity, more fun. We'll share stories of transformation, actionable tips and that little nudge you need to take the next step. So let's embark on this journey of discovery and say maybe I can to a life filled with more, ready to find out. Let's get started.

Speaker 1:

The Maybe I Can Show starts now. The show. I'm your host, debbie Weiss, and welcome to November, the month of gratitude. And so, before we jump into today's show and month long topic that is near and dear to my heart and to my guests heart as well, I have to just do a little plug, because I am very excited that on 11-11, a specific, specifically chosen day by me because it's a lucky day my second book launches, and here it is for those of you who are actually on video. It's called the Sprinkle Effect A Guide to Living a More Colorful and Fulfilling Life, and you can find it on pre-order now and the links are in the show notes and I'll talk about that more later in the month.

Speaker 1:

I don't want to take anything away from today's topic and from my guests. So, besides November being a month of gratitude, november is also National Family Caregivers Month and, as I said, it's a topic near and dear to my heart, and I want to start with a very famous quote, known to us family caregivers, by Rosalind Carter, who said there are only four kinds of people in the world those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers and those who will need a caregiver. And today I have. I feel like to me in my online world that this is a caregiver whose reputation preceded her. I heard so many things about her before. I was lucky enough to meet her maybe a year or so ago, when I was fortunate enough to be a guest on her podcast.

Speaker 1:

So let me tell you a little bit about my guest, elizabeth Miller. Elizabeth is a family caregiver advocate, speaker, author, certified caregiving consultant and certified senior advisor. Elizabeth's experiences caring for aging parents with chronic and terminal illnesses and for a sibling with developmental disabilities inspired her to create Happy Healthy Caregiver LLC in 2015. Through her coaching services, speaking, award-winning podcast, book and online community, elizabeth helps family caregivers infuse caregiving and self-care with their busy lives. She hosts the Happy, healthy Caregiver podcast on the Whole Care Network, wrote the Just For you, a daily self-care journal, and facilitates support groups for family caregivers. Elizabeth, welcome to the show.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, Debbie. Thank you so much and congratulations on your new book coming out this month.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, I appreciate that. So let's start with my signature question, which is can you tell me about a time where you went from a defeated I can't attitude to an empowered maybe I can attitude?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I love this question, Debbie, because, like, we do get in our heads a lot right and we think that we can, mindset is everything. I would say this business that I started Happy, Healthy Caregiver like I was like maybe I can do this Because, you know, I had a great job. I worked as a professional in IT, I was well paid, I had fabulous benefits, but I was really struggling with, like, needing more flexibility to care for my family members, and so I had this, you know, niggling idea that was like this is important. People need support. Family caregivers are drowning I'm drowning and really found that it was helping me as much as it was helping other people in this space. And so, you know, I think the IT background helped me in some ways and that you know, we are constantly testing and learning to see if things are going to work, and that's kind of you know what got me this far.

Speaker 2:

I've been looking at almost 10 years in February and pinching myself that I made it. I think that's, you know, a big test. But there's been a lot of times in this business where I felt like this is hard. I've thought about flipping the table a million times and like just going back and phoning it in and for a job for somebody else. But just this constant feeling of like this is important and maybe maybe it is me, maybe it's me that does this.

Speaker 1:

You know, back then too, boy, 2015 doesn't feel like back then, but, like you said, it's almost 10 years ago to believe that, yeah, were there even other people doing this kind of work.

Speaker 2:

Well there were, but I didn't know about them. Like I didn't even know what to Google, Like I didn't know what terms to put in the search to see what was out there. I didn't call myself a family caregiver. In fact, my first business name I really identified with the sandwich generation term and so I called my business Savvy Sandwicher, which is going to, like, figure out how to navigate the world of being a sandwich generation caregiver. But people thought I made sandwiches, so that wasn't very you know it got to be.

Speaker 2:

So, learning later that caregiving is what it is, and adopting and owning that role I you know there are a lot of other names for what we do out there that maybe I like a little better, but it's already hard enough to find the resources for family caregivers. So happy, healthy caregiver made sense as a, as a new brand name, because that's what I want, that's how I wanted for me and that's what I want for you know, other family caregivers in this space, like it's, it's hard enough to care for people, but we deserve to live happy, healthy lives as well, and I know you're about sprinkling all the joy and the fun. So we certainly align on many of our missions.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely and yeah, actually that's how I found you. I didn't even know that I was same way. When I found out there was a name for what I had been doing for my whole entire life, I was shocked. So I never even thought about looking for support or community. You know, I only thought to look for support, maybe in you know whatever my loved one was suffering from right With, like support groups for cancer or stroke victims or you know whatever, whatever that is dementia, but never just specifically to support me as a family caregiver.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Um you lived it, debbie, like you know, like when they get a diagnosis, we get a diagnosis too. Like our, our health and happiness is completely at risk when a person we care about gets their diagnosis. And so those, all those support groups in those communities, those educational resources are great. But what I was frustrated with is like people were shooting on me and saying you should be doing this, that and the other for your loved one, but really I was invisible to the people, and likely you were too, and it's like we're continuing to sink and drown and it's mystifying to me that, like, here we are, you know, almost 10 years after that starting this, and people still don't really know in a lot of ways that they're caregivers and there's 53 million plus in just the US alone. Like why are we hiding this from them? I don't get it.

Speaker 1:

Totally agree, totally agree. So let's go back and talk a little bit about your own caregiving journey. How did it start? Did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into in the beginning?

Speaker 2:

So some people have like that date right, that diagnosis date of when they became a caregiver. I didn't really have that I had. I saw this mud slide come in, like my parents' health was were failing. You know, it was like one thing after another and then the one things after another, we started coming closer and closer together and we tried to get in front of it. We tried to have conversations with them. They were retired, they live six hours away from family and I'm one of six kids, although I've got a brother who also needs care. He was born with an intellectual and developmental disability, so my folks were caring for him as well, and it was like we could kind of see the train wreck coming, but we didn't really know how to get in front of it. And, frankly, like we tried I think we tried to have some of those courageous conversations, but they were like Nope, we're, we're doing this and you all are our kids and you're going to support us.

Speaker 2:

And then kind of the worst case scenario happened, where my dad was the stronger and the healthier of the two, which wasn't quite saying a lot really or in caring for my brother too, and then he got. He got sick quickly, had sepsis and within a month was intubated four times on hospice, passed away. And then it was like, oh my gosh, we are in the worst case scenario of these two people living, you know, so far away from family, who cannot care for themselves at all. What are we going to do? And then figuring out the financial part of it was a little worse off than we thought and a lot of things were worse off than we thought. And I look back at that time and I'm like I don't even know how we did it, but we did it with like grit and perseverance, you know, particularly like my sisters and one of my brothers, like we were just like all in on figuring it out and then hoping that you know we can make it easier for other people in that journey.

Speaker 2:

But moving then, mom, back to Atlanta area, which is where I live I have two other brothers that live in this area it made sense my folks used to live in this area. We brought my brother back. One my brother lived with my brother. My mom was, her care needs were so vast that she needed assisted living, community support, and so then I became her primary caregiver from there and we did that for a while until that didn't work, and then I became a support caregiver when she moved in with my sister who could care for her full time up in their summer home in Michigan.

Speaker 1:

How it sounds like you, you and your siblings, were on the same page. Is that true? I mean so. So often, you know, you hear that that's what tear families apart and make it difficult.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'm lucky for sure, Like it was ingrained in us growing up. You know my dad used to say blood is thicker than water. You're no one's going to love you like your family, like those that plays in my head often. I'm not saying we didn't have like some head butting and certainly all have different opinions, but we, you know, particularly the sisters there's three girls, three boys, the sisters kind of united and you know we, we all have different strengths and we have tag teamed and had bigger roles at different times.

Speaker 2:

I have a brother that I call consistent. My one brother is really no help at all but like he's consistent and that has our whole lives. He's not really been the one to kind of show up. So why would caregiving make that any different? Um, and you know fine I have a cordial relationship with him. I kind of came to this point of like accepting like this is who he is, he's not going to change. Um. And then I've got one brother that like he's great, but you've got to be really specific about the kind of help that you need and he needs like the task list. He's not going to kind of see it on his own.

Speaker 1:

And now do you all join together to take care of your brother that needs some assistance join together to take care of your brother that needs some assistance.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's still mainly on the three sisters and my one brother. It's harder. In some ways it's not as clear as caring for an older adult, which we already thought that was murky enough, right, but he's 61 years old. He was born in an area where they didn't have all the testing and the things that they had. Today. My parents had six kids. They did what they could but, like he's, you know, got different behavioral issues, social issues and yeah. So we're kind of going through this process of like figuring out.

Speaker 2:

He kind of got backburnered, if I'm being honest, like why we were intensively caring for my, my mom, who, who passed in 2020. But even when those last few years she was alive, like she was detached from like what was going on in life and so we had to kind of lean in then. It's definitely affected our relationship with my brother, like he does not want to take any kind of advice and support from his siblings. So that's kind of cantankerous and yucky, but I say we're figuring it out. What's currently working is he's a snowbird. He lives half the year in Michigan with my sister and then driving. He's high functioning. He does drive but he does not work and that would kind of get us in trouble with the roads in that situation. And we thought, well, let's move him to Atlanta in the winter months and that kind of removes those those high risk things. And so he lives with my brother in the winter and I then my role is really like I take him to the doctor's appointments, I get him socially acclimated, you know all of that stuff.

Speaker 1:

So it's not perfect but it's it's what we got right now, it's what you got and and for the most part at least, you're a cohesive team.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes, yeah, and I think we also, like, are very conscious of the fact that we can't just talk about caregiving all the time, like we have to really honor our relationships with with each other. And so one of the things, like with my sisters that we do every year is we have an annual sisters weekend that I think I've been doing for 20 plus years because we're kind of spread out and you know, there might, there might be FF, so like to keep that, to treasure that relationship and not be like okay, this is, this is all work.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that that's so nice. I love that relationship. I don't have any sisters. I have one brother who I'm very, very close to, but it's not the same as a sister. But I'm lucky to have cousins, female cousins that are, you know, as close to sisters as you can get without being real sisters.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we got to figure out our care team Like, if we don't have it, like, biologically in our family, we've got to, like, find it in other places with friends and neighbors and professional help and things like that to put it together, because this is not a solo job. So we need a lot of support and that will give us more peace of mind, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

So was there a point where you noticed that caregiving was affecting your own life, mental and physical wellbeing?

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, like I mean I, you know you look in the mirror and I was kind of like didn't I'm, I'm, you know, naturally in my DNA like a glass half full kind of person and that felt like that was the light was kind of diminishing of that. I also like had physical things like I full face of acne. I was, you know, gaining weight. I have generalized anxiety and hypothyroidism, so those definitely probably weren't helping my situation. So it's, you know there was some.

Speaker 2:

But there was like an aha moment, that like if I I had a lot of drives back and forth from Georgia to Florida, like during these last you know the years, even up to when my dad passed away, these last you know the years, even up to when my dad passed away, and it was like clicked for me that like if I did not fix this and figure out, be intentional about figuring it out, I was potentially going to put my own kids in the same situation and I was like we are not doing that, so we're going to. You know, my husband and I were really intentional about like this is, this has got to change, we cannot keep doing this, and so that that made us be focused on like okay, how do we put some attention back on our family, back on our health, back on our happiness? And you know, not easy, but well worth it.

Speaker 1:

Did you feel, as many of us caregivers do, that if you turn your attention to yourselves and prioritize your own self care, did you have that guilt feeling?

Speaker 2:

Oh for sure. I mean there's nothing. You know, I think guilt is kind of a natural feeling. It gets a bad rap in some ways, but really what it is is like it's it's telling us that we want to be these things for all of these people. And you know, we hear a lot about putting the oxygen mask on ourselves before helping others.

Speaker 2:

That analogy is okay for me, but what really resonated with me was like there's nothing going to come from the sky and say, elizabeth, now you need to take care of yourself.

Speaker 2:

So it was like this is my life. I'm on this hamster wheel treadmill and what am I going to do about it? And so what really resonated for me was like thinking about my life as feeding a nest of hungry birds and me being this mother Robin, and like my job, my kids, my pets, my home, my relationships, my husband, my care recipient, all like needing things from me and realizing that I you know I wasn't going to be any good to any of these people and continue to show up for them if I didn't like take some of this nourishment myself. And so when that guilt would keep up, I would be like, okay, you need some nourishment, you need some peace of mind. You need some energy. You need some joy in your life. Peace of mind, you need some energy. You need some joy in your life and and this is you know treat this just like a wellness appointment, like you do for everybody else. It's easier said than done?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, did you have any main go-tos? I mean, I know now you have a laundry list, but was there anything, any area in your life that you particularly started with?

Speaker 2:

Starting for me was journaling. So I know writing is big for you but, like I was, I studied broadcast journalism and really never used it professionally. But going back to writing and processing that and that's you know, the initially, the groundwork for what I have now is blogging was was kind of the start of it all, but I found that to be very therapeutic and so I scheduled time on my calendar on Wednesdays and Friday mornings before before anybody would miss me. At the crack of dawn I would get up and I'd go to Starbucks and I would get my thing and I'd have my little friends that were also hanging out there and I would write and sometimes I would weep while I was writing and I would go shower at the gym membership that I had. So sometimes I worked out, sometimes I didn't shower at the gym membership that I had, so sometimes I worked out, sometimes I didn't, sometimes I just showered and went to work and that really was like my happy, healthy time that I thought like this is, this is for me. I think that was a big one.

Speaker 2:

I also have had a, like a longstanding book club and I know, like we think caregiver support group but like they were a huge support for me and sometimes I didn't read the book but I still again could have the opportunity to kind of share with you know people who really understood it, and and then listening to the books too, like I didn't necessarily read them but I would listen to them. So in getting outside, like, I realized very quickly, as I was trying on things and noticing how they made me feel, that I was energized by getting outdoors. And I still am energized by getting outdoors, like that's something I don't do as much journaling as I used to, but I'm definitely outside every day.

Speaker 1:

And I love what you just said because you were trying things on. Yeah, like we try on clothes, it's almost like you know that's self care. It's so exciting when you try something new, right, whether it works or not. At least you're trying.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think you know, because what's going to work for people listening yourself me like it's all going to be different and it got to be almost like a little game of you know putting things out on Instagram and be like I tried this today or try that, and it could be like you know aromatherapy or different types of meditation or different types of workout, or figuring out what my signature color was like. You know all of these things like I was just really curious and I would invite people to be really curious about what's going to feel peace of mind, energy or or pure joy for them.

Speaker 1:

You know I'm going to butcher this because I don't remember what it's called or exactly what it is. But don't you do something annually where you like make? It at like a 50 joy list or what is it again. You know what I'm talking about, right, yeah, I have a 20 for 2025.

Speaker 2:

We'll be kicking off soon, okay, and basically, like I just think we need more joy in our life, right, like we're doing a lot of hard work, and so these are not lose weight resolutions. These are like the things that you remember or that you want to try that are going to bring you joy in your life, and writing them down that, like the year is not going to be complete without these things, or this is kind of your law of attraction type of stuff, and it could be little things like I love to try a new hiking trail, I love to listen to live music, I love to try new restaurants, I want to um, you know, we just got e-bikes. I want to go use those more. Or I want to get a massage, or whatever it is that's going to bring me joy. Add that to your list.

Speaker 2:

And then my daughter I started doing it myself, but then I invited my family to do it, and it's really become a tradition for us where, on New Year's Eve day, we like sit down with colored pens and we talk about our lists and we get ideas from each other, and we don't necessarily get them all done, but I know that we get more done than if we didn't write them down at all. So, yeah, I don't have it available to share yet, but I will certainly be on the lookout for those that are following me on your 24-25 worksheet and I love that my friend's kids are now doing it Like it's kind of like taking off, like less about resolutions, let's thrive in 2025. Like that's kind of what I want to put our attention on.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I so love that because obviously, like I said, I haven't seen it in a long time, but I remember thinking this is a great idea, and I love the idea that you do it on New Year's instead of a resolution Not that you can't do that too and have goals and all of that, but a goal of creating more joy in your life. There's nothing better. Whether you're a caregiver or not, that's right. So what would your advice be to a caregiver who just feels alone and drowning?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, like admit that you're alone and drowning and then figure out that you have the power to be intentional about figuring out how to make changes with that and so seeking your community scheduling time for yourself, get support group or some kind of support group, whether it's a knitting club, a biking club, hike whatever, before you think you need it, because the best advice comes from other family caregivers that they can like save you so much time and energy by pulling up and, just you know, surround yourself with people who are going to lift you up just know that you're not alone.

Speaker 1:

We've all been there, and there's so many of us and I'm going to talk about something else that I'm guessing that you still do, and I don't know how often it is. So correct me, is it something once a month, because when I first was introduced to you, I hopped on some kind of like lunch hour thing. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 2:

Yes, I used to do the virtual cafes. No, I am still a Daughterhood leader, so daughterhoodorg you can go on and we are doing some fun, like we're doing a self-care bingo event at the end of November so people can join in on that. I just been at capacity so I had to kind of figure out which things. But I miss it and I love doing it. But the Daughterhood is. Daughterhoodorg is a great one. And then I work and spend some time locally here in Atlanta, like connecting caregivers to resources is the other nonprofit that I work with.

Speaker 1:

And I mean well, you'll give your information in a few minutes, but you also send a wonderful weekly email that has so many different resources for caregivers and so many interesting ideas and products that are out there that can make our lives easier. That's right.

Speaker 2:

Right, yeah, bitly forward. Slash HHCE news, little e capital N news. You can subscribe, it's free and yeah, I try to say happy, healthy caregiver related stuff every week.

Speaker 1:

And your podcast, because your podcast is a mix of guests and solos and right.

Speaker 2:

Yes, more guests, because I just have a lot of interest in folks that I want to spotlight. But, yeah, you have to be a real caregiver. You have to be in the trenches either currently or in the past to be on the show. So I love to spotlight caregivers. Caregivers are the experts in caregiving.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, and I can tell everyone that there is no one more generous than Elizabeth. She does it only because she cares, she knows what it's like and and you know, that's who. I think we all want to talk to, someone who gets it, someone who can understand how we're feeling. Right, because there are universal there's. It doesn't matter to me. Yeah, there might be differences. Fortunately, I don't have any experience dealing with dementia, and maybe someone else doesn't know what it's like to deal with cancer or mental illness or something that I've dealt with, but it doesn't matter. You know, yes, there's specifics, but I don't like the idea of when we're talking about those specifics. We're talking really about our loved ones, where this is really about us.

Speaker 2:

Yeah we have some, a lot of commonalities of what's in our experience, no matter who we're caring for, totally agree 30 minutes just flies by Elizabeth, so please share with all the listeners where they can learn more about you. Thanks, Debbie. Yeah, it does fly by. It's happyhealthycaregivercom. You can kind of reach it all there. So thank you so much for just having this time to celebrate caregivers this month.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. Thank you so much for being my first guest on National Family Caregiver Month. I really appreciate it, and thank you for all you do for all of us. Thank you, and thank you for all you do for all of us. Thank you, and thank you everyone for listening and come back next week for more about caregiving. Thanks for spending part of your day with me here on Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities one sprinkle at a time. It's been great having you and I hope you're leaving with a spark to light up your journey to more.

Speaker 1:

Remember, every big change starts with a single maybe. If you're ready to kickstart that change but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you. Head over to download my free guide the One Critical Step to Kickstart Change and take that all-important first step. Let's make those maybes into reality, one sprinkle at a time. Catch you next Tuesday at 4 pm Eastern, 1 pm Pacific, with more stories, tips and that extra push you might need. And that extra push you might need. I'm Debbie saying goodbye for now, but always remember maybe, just maybe, you can.

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