Maybe I Can with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 104: Jessica Dale's Caregiving Journey

• Debbie Weiss

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In this episode, I sit down with Jessica Dale, co-owner of A Place at Home in Somerville, New Jersey, to explore her personal caregiving journey and the experiences that led her to establish a senior care service. Jessica shares a transformative moment when she shifted from a "I can't" mindset to an empowered "maybe I can" attitude, offering insights into the emotional resilience required in caregiving. We delve into her motivations for opening A Place at Home, discuss the various levels of senior care—from in-home assistance to nursing homes—and highlight essential legal documents every family should have in place. Jessica also addresses the significant challenges families face when caring for aging loved ones, providing valuable advice and resources for listeners navigating similar paths.


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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. If you've ever found yourself asking is this all there is to life, then you're in the right place. I'm Debbie author, speaker, entrepreneur and coach, and every Tuesday, I'm here to share a sprinkle of hope and inspiration. Together, we'll uncover the more More joy, more fulfillment, more prosperity, more fun. We'll share stories of transformation, actionable tips and that little nudge you need to take the next step. So let's embark on this journey of discovery and say maybe I can to a life filled with more, ready to find out. Let's get started. The Maybe I Can Show starts now. Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Maybe I Can Podcast.

Speaker 1:

I am your host, debbie Weiss, and today we are closing out our month-long series on family caregiving. As you know, it is a topic near and dear to my heart and so many of us who have found ourselves as caregivers, I think, never expected to be in that position. But we never know what life throws at us. But we never know what life throws at us, and so I'm happy to say that, boy, it wasn't until I don't even know how many years ago that I discovered, but what I had been doing my whole life actually had a name. I didn't know it had a name. I just thought this is what you did, right, you took care of your sick loved ones, and I didn't realize that there's a whole network of people out there that are there to help those of us that do just that.

Speaker 1:

And so today my guest is someone who has had experience on both sides of the fence as a caregiver and also helping caregivers find the right care for their loved ones and she is someone that I've actually met in person, because, I have to be honest, so many of my guests come from either somewhere else in the country or in the world, but it's not that often that I have someone local on the show, but today I do. So let me introduce you to Jessica Dale. She is the co-owner of A Place at Home in Somerville, new Jersey, and today we are going to explore her own caregiving journey what A Place at home is, what she actually does there and how she can help. So, jessica, welcome to the show.

Speaker 2:

Thanks, Debbie. I'm very honored to be here and excited to be part of this amazing mission that you have.

Speaker 1:

Well, thank you, you and I are acquaintances. It seems like we've been thrown together at different places. Somehow right, there's divine intervention and you are a powerhouse packed in that petite little body of yours. Let me just say that this woman is amazing. So first I'm going to ask you the question that I ask all my guests Please share with us a time when you went from a defeated I can't mindset to a more empowered maybe I can attitude.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. I want to say. That for me was when I decided to pursue my own business in home care. I knew I was stepping into a very unknown territory and I had a lot of doubts and fears. But you know, running your own business could be very overwhelming and but deep inside I knew that I had found my mission and purpose. I wanted to serve this population, the seniors and their families, because I knew what was to be in the other side as a caregiver. So that was my time. You know that I felt like maybe I can't, maybe I can't.

Speaker 1:

Wonderful. So let's start with tell us a little bit about your own caregiving journey.

Speaker 2:

Well, I've been taking care of my family like everybody else, but there was a time where I was caring for my mother and also my small kids. They call it the sandwich generation. When you're, you know, doing both my kids were very, very little.

Speaker 2:

My daughter was one and my son was a newborn when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was also dealing with a liver disease that is, an autoimmune disease, so at that point the cancer took more priority to care for. So it was very challenging. I didn't know what was available out there in the community, so I relied a lot on friends and family, which were great, but you know, it is very overwhelming. And then later on, when my son, when he was the one year old, was diagnosed with autism, I didn't know what to expect. Thankfully he is very high functioning. Now he's 18. He's going to college. But it was very challenging to care for a parent and then having the kids and then later on being, you know, in a position that I had to advocate for my son in many different ways. So, um it, it was very challenging as a caregiver.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know, as, um, I can relate, since I've cared for, uh, a parent, a son, and, and the same, very similar circumstances. And then my husband talk a little bit about how different was it for you being the caregiver to your mom versus the caregiver to your son? Like you know, the feeling, just obviously the circumstances were different.

Speaker 2:

Yes, so you know it was almost parallel, to be honest with you, because when my son was diagnosed my mom was coming out of chemo and was getting better. So it was almost parallel, but at the same time it was almost like one issue and then another situation came. I don't like calling them problems or issues, I like calling them challenges, because life is just a challenge At all times. We have to resolve those challenges and to overcome and to lean on those people that we love and loved us. So, caring for my mom, it was, in a way, challenging, but she is somebody that was an old person that I can, you know, she can understand, incorporate.

Speaker 2:

You know, with a child is different. You know they demand more of you and they don't understand a lot of things, understand a lot of things. And, as a parent, the pain that you feel of knowing that he, you know, they can, at one point of their lives, be vulnerable to many different things, the unknown of the level, was very, very frustrating and painful. It was painful, uh, I remember feeling this deep pain in my heart that what's going to happen.

Speaker 2:

But then again, as I think, as a parent, you equip yourself and the adrenaline, I think, kicks in and you just do whatever you need to do and I was on a mission and I just wanted to get him to a place where he could be independent, that he could have a life that he deserved. You know, and you know I prayed a lot. I am very spiritual, I believe in the power of prayer. Spiritual, I believe in the power of prayer, so I feel like that helped me a lot With my mom. My mom is very she doesn't complain, so it was easy in a way, because she is a very good sport and honestly, she's very strong. So that helped.

Speaker 2:

But when you're caring for a child and then you have another one that doesn't understand what's going on and he's getting all these therapies at home and she wants to be part of it because she feels like it's a game and she's not being part of it. So that was a little challenging. But we were able to kind of combine it and used her as part of therapy. And, to be honest with you, my husband and I, when we first met with a doctor in the field he I'm sorry it was a she she did tell us that my daughter was going to be the biggest therapist for my son because she was so social. And to this day I want to say I am so proud to say that she adores her brother and she goes out of the way to do things with him and, you know, guide him through social situations and that is. That's all I can ask you know.

Speaker 1:

Oh boy, so many of the things that you said just so I so resonate with my son with the special needs is older than my other child, but he also, even though he is younger they're 20 months apart he was still um. We used him too. I mean, I hate to say used him, but yeah it's not. It's not a role model right she helped.

Speaker 2:

You know she helped him, you know, with those developmental. You know you know issues or or challenges that he had and pushed him to be social in a good way, because she wanted to play with him and you know so it it really was a game changer for him yeah, and I think too, like you said, it's.

Speaker 1:

It's so funny, I, out of the blue I don't know if you journal, but I I do, sometimes I'm better at it than others and this and I find that sometimes when I'm journaling, you just never know where it's going to lead.

Speaker 1:

And this morning, actually, I was journaling and it kind of led to the idea that, boy, there is no. And actually it came from me thinking about how my mother thinks about me, reminding myself that there is nothing like that parent-child connection. And no matter, here I am 61 and my mother is still worried about me and thinking about my problems. And I'm 61 and it just never will stop, right, I mean, that's how it is. And so I think, as a parent, when you care for and you're concerned about your child, not that you don't love your mother and you don't want everything fine, you know to be great for your mother it's just. It's just different and, like you said, especially in this case where, especially when they're young, they can't advocate for themselves, and it's up to us to educate ourselves on so much right when it's all new to us and and I think most of the time any caregiver is has to educate themselves on a new diagnosis right, I mean diagnosis right.

Speaker 2:

I mean, usually you know you have to read about it and do your research and find resources and you know not everything that you read is true. And realizing that you have to do so much homework you know you have so to to learn about the different things and rely sometimes on doctors is not always you know the most, it's not always. I don't want to say it's not always good, but I feel like having a second opinion, a third opinion. I feel like having a second opinion, a third opinion. Talking to other people that has gone through the same helps a lot, because I've been with my mom, especially in situations where a doctor she was misdiagnosed with bone cancer right after she has gone through so many different challenges already and we cried and we were devastated and then we ended up going to a second opinion and he said this is no bone cancer, this is just osteoporosis, this is no bone cancer. I mean, how horrible is that? That?

Speaker 1:

is horrible. How horrible is that? That is horrible. I think so often and I think we're getting a little better that we just think that doctors know it all and they're human and they make mistakes. They don't do it on purpose, right? But that's the whole idea of a second opinion, and I think that our generation and younger generations are learning that it's okay to challenge and to ask questions and to do our and you know what?

Speaker 1:

now right With the internet, like it's a good and a bad thing, right when we first got my husband's diagnosis I can't even tell you how many hours of rabbit hole, so you know you can get kind of crazy and I know every time, like you know, you have a bump on your finger and you have yourself diagnosed a million different things right.

Speaker 2:

That's the part that I think we need to be. There's a balance, right. And I finally heard my husband because every time, like said, something comes up, or the dog, or you see something in your body or you have a symptom, you start googling it. I stopped doing that, you know, sometimes I kind of like want to do it, but I stopped doing that because it's going to drive me crazy, yeah, and why, you know, worry before even knowing what exactly is, you know. So yeah, I think as we get older, we get wiser and we get smarter. You know I really don't have a lot of time, so I figured you know.

Speaker 2:

I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to let the doctor take a look at me. If I don't like his answer, I can always go to another doctor, you know, and see what's really going on. But again, you know the.

Speaker 1:

Internet is great and, yes, we do need to do our own research, but we need to be careful of what resources and what. The sources that go back to when you were, you know, caregiving for your mom and and when they kind of overlapped or didn't overlap what kind of emotions you know did you have time to worry about yourself and and you were either had, you know, infants, basically, you know that's like take some getting used to in the first place on the one hand, but then you're worried about your mom when, when did did that affect your own mental and physical health?

Speaker 2:

Yes, I remember I can tell you at one point when my mom went to get her liver transplant because after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, right after like a year her liver disease progressed. Long story short, she gets out of the surgery, the transplant, and she comes home after being in life support for two weeks Because the liver transplant went well but she developed pneumonia and then we didn't think she was going to make it. But she got out of there, comes home and we're getting finally acclimated and she falls and breaks her femur oh my God, the leg where her hip has been replaced in the past, so the hip kind of moved. So I remember rushing her to the hospital and when the doctor said her femur is broken, we need to put her back in a hospital for another five-hour surgery. And he said I must say, after what she's been through and being so weak, this is fatal and we don't, really, we can't guarantee anything. And I remember I was in the hospital and I just sat on the floor and I told my husband I just can't take this anymore. You know, I really I need something to calm me down.

Speaker 2:

So, yes, you neglect yourself because you're going, just, you just go and go and go and go, and until you crash, it gets to the point. So it is hard to find that balance. At one point you need to. You know, and I think people say it all the time it's like when you're in the plane and they tell you if something goes on and the mask comes down, you have to put your yours first so you can help others. It is true, it is true, and and it's very hard to do it, because when you're so busy and in my case, I had little kids, I wanted to provide a childhood, you know, and I wanted to do things with them, um, and then, yet I had my mom, but, um, yeah, emotionally is very draining, um, it affects you physically too and affects your marriage, affects your relationship with other people. So, yeah, yeah, if it's, you really need to step back and say I need to do this for me, because by doing this for me, I'm doing it for my family too.

Speaker 1:

Exactly, exactly, and it's a very good point that it does affect other relationships that you have, you know, with your partner for sure. So is this what inspired you to then? You know, years later right, it was several years later to open up a place at home.

Speaker 2:

I always wanted to have my own business. I had two businesses before. That never took off because I didn't take the time. To be honest with you, I did it part time and when you have a business, you can't do that. So with 2020, like many people, I started to reflect on their lives and I figured you know, I'm not getting any younger and I was afraid, you know, I was afraid to do it at this stage. But my kids were older and I started looking into different options and, honestly, home care landed on my lap and after taking the senior advisor class, which is an intense class, I fell in love with the industry.

Speaker 2:

It is a very hard industry, but the rewards are great. Like I really enjoy it. I feel like I found a mission. I like that. I am. We are provided joy to people at the end of their lives the end of their lives and that when they go, they go with that love that we provided with the care that we provide on our caregivers. So it is very rewarding. And yes, because when I was caring for my mom, I had no idea that there was such a thing as home care, so knowing that I could have used the help of somebody professional at one point. Now I I love doing this. You know I, when I speak with the families and they are to the point that they're frustrated, they're emotionally drained, just like we just talked about, I can relate to that and I could be that ear for them to talk and and tell me what they need so we can go with a solution for them. So, yes, they would. It definitely was part of my decision on going into this field.

Speaker 1:

I love that and I'm sure that that makes you even better at what you do, because when we've all had our own personal experience, you know, I just think that that makes us better at helping other people because we can, we can really relate. So if you don't mind, give me a little bit of an overview. I mean, I think, I think, as even now, as my own mother ages, and unfortunately she is in another state you know, I'm in New Jersey, she's in Florida, which you know it's only a couple of hour plane ride away. But when health issues come into play as I was just there a couple of weeks ago, not for health issues really, but you know, even a quick trip to Florida wound up to be a whole day, you know, and it's not the same as being able to just drive over absolutely yeah, so it's, it's difficult.

Speaker 1:

How do you decide and end especially with, uh, your loved one, you know your senior and and I think about that myself uh, about situations where I had to put my dad or move my dad into different levels of care outside of his home and he was resistant, understandably, and I think I would feel the same way personally. One, how much is money a factor when it comes into play with home care? And obviously that's a very general question, but or is it? Is it usually money that stops people from home care? Is it that they can't find the right type of care? Is it that you know the need is more?

Speaker 2:

So it's a little bit of everything you know. Definitely, the financial aspect is very common. A lot of times the families don't have the ability to pay because home care is expensive, I must say it could be very costly. A lot of people do have the long-term care insurance, which helps a lot. So I always tell people don't wait to use it, because if you have been paying forever, you probably have good coverage. Use it when you need it. Don't save it because you know it might be too late. You know it might be too late.

Speaker 2:

So the challenges also come from this. It's the, the loved ones, that they don't want to. They feel like they're still independent. So what works a lot for families is when they have that conversation and they tell them directly. This help is not only for you, but it's also for me, because I am tired and I feel like it's also for the relationship of the parents you know, the adult parents, the adult children to the parents. Because if you're going there to do chores and help them all the time you're going to be burned out, and if you have somebody doing that, you go there to spend time with that. So, as a parent, if my child comes to me and says do this because you're going to help me as well. I feel like I'm going to be more open to that, so that helps a lot.

Speaker 2:

So the challenges come from many different ways. Financially, the resistance of wanting to help and they wait until they have a fall Falls are proven. That really makes the seniors decline. So you know, the more proactive you are, the better shape you're in. But yeah, definitely financial and resistance are one of the most common reasons. Yeah, or one of the most common reasons, yeah.

Speaker 1:

And you know, speaking of long-term care, I think it is a product I do have an insurance background and I don't sell that but it is a product that is so expensive that people feel that you know they it's not worth it. And, like you said, I've seen it, I actually with my mother, just really what you said. She broke her ankle and her wrist a couple of years ago and we used it. We used it for home healthcare and, you know, when she didn't need it, she protested. But you know, even if she didn't require such great care, someone was there because she lived alone, to help her walk to the bathroom or get her a drink or you know, whatever it was.

Speaker 2:

They think that they are going to need it when they can't even do anything. And it's not that it's prevention. When you start feeling that you can do certain things, that's when you should get somebody to help you.

Speaker 1:

Exactly. And look, you know, what you just said was is brilliant about playing on the fact that we've just talked about how my you know mother worries about me at 61. And so to say the same, and, and it's the truth, you're not telling, you know, you're not lying. But when you can play on their heartstrings and realize that it's also helping their child, I think that absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that really makes a lot of sense. Jessica, I can't believe that. So quickly as all my episodes, that never feels like we have enough time. But please, as we're closing and I'll put your information in the show notes, but your website, your contact information, can you just share that with our listeners?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. We are located in Somerville, but we cover a hundred and Somerset, morris counties, as well as some parts of Middlesex and Union County. My website is aplaceathomeNJcom Again aplaceathomeNJcom, and our phone number is 908-430-9222. Thank you so much for having me, debbie. This was wonderful. It felt really like being you know together in person. Yeah, so comfortable.

Speaker 1:

Good. Well, thank you. Everything that you shared is so important and I hope, if you're listening and you're struggling with the idea of taking care of your senior, just remember that there are people out there who are not only willing to help but are coming from a place of love and care. So, thank you, and to everyone who's listening in real time, I am grateful for all of you and I hope that you all have a very happy Thanksgiving. See you next week. Happy Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for spending part of your day with me here on. Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities one sprinkle at a time. It's been great having you and I hope you're leaving with a spark to light up your journey to more. Remember every big change starts with a single maybe. If you're ready to kickstart that change but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you. Head over to download my free guide, the One Critical Step to Kickstart Change and take that all-important first step. Let's make those maybes into reality, one sprinkle at a time. Catch you next Tuesday at 4 pm Eastern, 1 pm Pacific, with more stories, tips and that extra push you might need. I'm Debbie saying goodbye for now, but always remember maybe, just maybe, you can.

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Debbie Weiss

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