Maybe I Can with Debbie Weiss

Loosening Your Grip: Finding Freedom in Letting Go

• Debbie Weiss

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In this episode, we explore the exhausting cycle of holding on too tightly to control outcomes and the transformative power of loosening our grip. Drawing from personal experiences, we delve into why we cling to control, the emotional and physical toll it takes, and the surprising freedom that comes with letting go. Through practical steps like mindfulness, reframing perspectives, and small acts of surrender, we uncover how loosening the grip can open doors to unexpected possibilities and greater peace. Listeners are encouraged to embrace trust and take a breather, allowing life to unfold in its own time.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. If you've ever found yourself asking is this all there is to life, then you're in the right place. I'm Debbie author, speaker, entrepreneur and coach, and every Tuesday, I'm here to share a sprinkle of hope and inspiration. Together, we'll uncover the more More joy, more fulfillment, more prosperity, more fun. We'll share stories of transformation, actionable tips and that little nudge you need to take the next step. So let's embark on this journey of discovery and say maybe I can to a life filled with more, ready to find out. Let's get started. The Maybe I Can Show starts now. Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Maybe I Can Podcast. I'm your host, debbie Weiss, and thank you for joining me. I want you to know how much I really appreciate it.

Speaker 1:

And boy, the weeks are just flying by, don't they? It's hard to believe that. I don't want to say we're almost near the end of January, but it's gone quickly, life goes quickly. I think what my mother or my grandmother had told me is that as you get older, it goes faster, right, and I think that that reminds me of the importance of enjoying our lives, not just enjoying those few brief moments of vacation or weekend or special events, but really every part of life, because there have been many times in my life where either I've suffered some kind of injury I've had a lot of different surgeries having to do with my spine and my hips and whatnot and when I was in those moments prior, I appreciated the simple things in life, like being able to walk down the street without pain, and things that we just take for granted, and I think that that can apply to all different aspects of our lives. And today we're going to talk about loosening our grip and finding the freedom to just let go. And as I've been thinking about this and preparing for it, it seems like all different meanings of letting go have kind of come to me. I originally, when I decided that this is what we were going to talk about, it came from the fact that sometime a month or so ago, I was on a mastermind call with a group of women and I was. I think not. I think I know what I was talking about. I was talking about where do I go from here? What am I supposed to do next as far as getting my message out?

Speaker 1:

November 11th, the sprinkle effect came out and the workbook and, needless to say, it was a long time in the making. And so the culmination of that project, even though it felt good and you know, like you're birthing a baby and bringing something out into the world, it was over. And I say over not that it's ever over, right, because I have so many things more to do with the sprinkle effect, but it was. The question became well, what? What is that? Am I supposed to be working on another book? Am I supposed to be working on another book?

Speaker 1:

Maybe I don't want to do the podcast anymore. I don't know. Maybe it's not helpful to people. Maybe I should be showing up on social media more. Should I be spending my attention trying to get to speak in front of audiences, because it just doesn't happen Behind the scenes. It takes effort to do that and money and time to make that happen Is. Is that what I should be doing?

Speaker 1:

And I I just felt I don't know, I don't want to say trapped, just unsure, like someone. Please give me the right answer. I don't know what this answer is and obviously I was talking, and I was talking with that type of intensity that I didn't even realize, I had no idea. And my friend in the group said Debbie, you need to loosen your grip. And the minute that she said that, I got that visual of just holding on, that I was holding on, gripping so tightly, searching for control, searching for the answer. And she said that and I actually exhaled, and I didn't realize that I wasn't exhaling and I didn't realize that I wasn't breathing and that I was gripping so tightly.

Speaker 1:

I think so often we just we want control. I think that's what it is. I don't. It's fear of the unknown. What if letting go? It actually brings relief and release. Is there something that right now you're holding on so tightly that it's taking your breath away? And you know, here's the thing. You might not even be aware of it, just like me, I had no idea. I had no idea.

Speaker 1:

So let me ask you, I'd like you to ask yourself some questions. Is there something that you're constantly stressed about, so stressed that maybe you're neglecting other areas of your life? Yes, I mean, like I said, I didn't even see it. I was clinging so tightly because I just want the answer. What's the right answer? I'm in search of the right answer and boy, you know, this is life. The right answer, well one. There might not be a right answer, or there might not always be one right answer, or it might just not be the time that that answer is going to show up.

Speaker 1:

If you look back on, you know and I really am thinking about this a lot because my younger son is going to be graduating from college in May and so he's starting the job search process and it's stressful, it's really stressful, and I think back to when I was that age and that stress and that fear of the unknown. And, let's face it, am I going to like this? What do I really want to do? Who do I want to work for? All of these questions, and you don't even know, years later since I graduated college I graduated in 1985. It's 40 years. I guess I'm having a 40 year reunion this year back.

Speaker 1:

Maybe that first job, maybe I didn't like it. I mean, in my case, I actually did stick with my first job for 10 years. But is that what I do now? No, am I in the same profession? No, not even close to the same profession. That I went to school for that I did practice for 10 years. That I went to school for that I did practice for 10 years. But would I be where I am now, if that's not how I started.

Speaker 1:

Probably not right, because you can always go back and trace your life events and say, oh, now I see why I had to go through that. And then I discovered just through that that well, maybe this isn't for me, and then that caused me to search for something else. And then I met this person, or I moved to this place for that reason, but that really wasn't the reason. You know what I'm saying. When you look back now, you can understand why you had to go through all that. You didn't get the answer right then, and I try to tell them that. How many? I don't know what the statistic is, but I'm sure it's extremely high. How many people at 20 years out of college are working at what? For whatever they went to school for? Probably not the large majority, because, let's face it, you're 18 years old and you have to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. How the heck are you possibly supposed to know? I'm 61 and I'm still trying to figure it out.

Speaker 1:

So of course it's going to be a series of transformation, but if you hold on and you're gripping so tightly that you can't let go of an idea. It's not going to happen. All of these things aren't going to happen naturally, and you know a little bit. I think can sound a little bit out there and woo-woo, like you know, is your life predetermined? Is it? Is there some force bigger than ourselves that is dictating? You know, our futures, and this is not how, whatever your belief is each of us has has different beliefs but the gripping so tightly we're kind of just not letting things flow through us.

Speaker 1:

I think, too, that you know it could also be the fact that you know we want to control everything, because if we control everything, then there aren't going to be any surprises, or at least we're hoping not to have any surprises. And I don't mean surprises like, oh yay, in a good way, because, let's face it, that's not usually what we're thinking about. We're thinking about surprises in a bad way. Right, if I control this, then this bad thing won't happen. Or you see something that someone's experiencing and you don't want to go through that same thing. So you hold on tightly to make sure to avoid that and try and maintain control. But what's the cost of that? Oh my gosh. Think about it. Think about the anxiety and the stress and the burnout you feel, because let me tell you, it's exhausting.

Speaker 1:

I've spent a good part of my life trying to control and boy, this doesn't sound good when I say it like this. But control the people around me, right, I mean, I think so. I don't mean control like their every move and their every decision. I don't really mean like that. I think more try to help them, or at least that's what I'm telling myself. I'm trying to help them and I'm trying to manage the situation.

Speaker 1:

I can think of so many times where you know my husband would get, I mean, come on and you know what I'm talking about when you intercede. You know, uh-oh, my husband had said something which upset one of my kids, and so, but if my kid was to say something, then not so nice to my husband, then he would become inflamed and then the whole thing would just blow up. So what do I do? I've got to be the intermediary and try to, you know, kind of like, push everyone to their corners and talk someone through something so that they don't say something that'll escalate the situation. You know it's stressful. It's stressful because you feel like you're always looking around at who, what, what circumstance, can you try and put out the fire?

Speaker 1:

My gosh, I mean, I did this so much in my life with my husband because he suffered from anxiety and depression and I tried to control his exposure, his exposure to things that would stress him out. But you know what? That was impossible. I didn't know every single thing that was going to happen that was going to stress him out. And after 30 years of trying to do that, I was stressed out. I was burnt out. So I was trying to make sure he didn't get anxious and I was trying to make sure both of my boys everything was cool in their individual camps.

Speaker 1:

And then I was worried about, you know, controlling what was going on at my office and with my insurance agency. And then you know, whoever else my father, my mother, my brother, like whoever else I just was always trying to I don't know not have anything blow up in my face, and you know what it didn't work. Blow up in my face and you know what it didn't work. Things blew up because none of us has control over people, situations, circumstances, unforeseen things. None of us has control over any of that and even though we try and I'm telling you I have really spent my life trying so hard to control everything and I don't really know where where that comes from, other than a place of fear, other than a place of you know, having, having, you know, little T, traumas, having my father had an affair, my parents were separated and then they got back together and then my father had a massive stroke when I was 17, and blew my whole world upside down. And you know, on and on, and, and you've got your own stuff. We each do right, we each have those life experiences.

Speaker 1:

And when, when those things happen and you tap into that horrible feeling that you felt when it was something bad and it either made you feel out of control and it's uncomfortable, and it made you uncomfortable and it made you lose your sense of security and you just want to keep that sense of security. It doesn't feel good when, literally, the rug is pulled out from under you. What it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Have you had no sudden I don't surprise in your life? If the answer is no, then I hate to tell you, but chances are it's going to happen in the future, because it's just the definition of what our lives are and in exchange, we are not enjoying our lives. We're becoming stressed out. Burnout was that even a term like 20 years ago? I don't know. Maybe I just wasn't exposed to it.

Speaker 1:

So many of us are burnt out because trying to constantly control everything it is darn exhausting, right? How many times have I just cried in exhaustion or I became physically ill, right? That's when you catch a cold or a virus or the flu because you are run down, burnt out and you are a stress monster and you're worried and concerned and stressed about everything and everyone and in the end it doesn't help. We fool ourselves thinking that it's helping, but it's not. Something will absolutely blow up in your face. I hate to tell you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. So do you want to physically? I mean, come on, have you ever had a tension headache or that sense of fatigue Like I just have to go to bed? I just can't even think anymore. You dream about just going to sleep or going to bed and just being able to pull your head, the covers up over your head.

Speaker 1:

Why do we live like this? And what's funny is that I know all this, I've lived all this and yet I still did it, and coincidentally, in a kind of different way. This morning I found out that I was doing it again and I didn't even realize, and so here's a different spin on it. I got an email this morning that angered me and the person did not give me the response that I felt she should have given me. And I called a friend and I said can you believe this? And I read her the email and, like, the friend is almost trying to jump in and say something, but I didn't let her, I just kept going and she did this and I can't believe this. And who does she think she is? I'm going on and on right. And the friend said maybe she, you know, is, I don't know, she, whatever, whatever, because I don't really want to reveal the situation. But she showed me a different perspective. Maybe this is where she's coming from, the person who sent the email, maybe this is where she's coming from the person who sent the email. And I'm viewing it as this way. And, you know, maybe I am viewing this as she has done something bad to me. Not that it was really anything bad. She just didn't do what I expected, which was kind of to just graciously offer to help. She didn't do that. It wasn't anything terrible, and it was really. It was like that, but I didn't see that. I guess I was viewing it as she did this to me.

Speaker 1:

And boy, I've talked about on this podcast so many times. This is a victim mentality, unfortunately. It's one that I've carried most of my life until about a decade ago. But yet here I am today, a decade later, and am I quote unquote cured? Nope, I'm still obviously running the same patterns. And in this case, I didn't see it. And am I quote unquote cured? Nope, I'm still obviously running the same patterns. And in this case, I didn't see it. And I needed someone else to point it out to me. And I'm not letting go of that victim mentality.

Speaker 1:

And another friend said to me you are thinking this is happening to me, but we have to shift our focus. And it's so hard, it's so hard to say this is happening for me. This woman is sending me this message and in some way, this is for me, this is going to help me. In some way. It's some lesson that I need to learn, even though you know you might not want to, you might say, okay, that could have been your case, deb, but you know, and this is my case and it's not the same. This can't be happening for me.

Speaker 1:

Now, let's face it, I'm a widow. Did that happen for me? I certainly don't think so, but even though it was something that I did not want to happen, I would change it in a minute if I were given the opportunity. But maybe it's something I needed to go through. I needed to go through. Maybe it's somehow going to help me to help someone else out there, and I've seen it. I've seen it in the messages that I've gotten in social media, especially when I post videos about grief and my grief and things that bother me. And you know, maybe that's why, maybe I was meant to do what I'm doing.

Speaker 1:

I don't know. I don't know who's listening, right? This is very different than standing in front of a room of people. I'm sitting in my office. If you're listening and not watching on YouTube, I'm sitting in my office at home talking to a camera. I don't know who's listening, I don't know who I'm helping, but I have to trust that all the events of my life, they happened for me and if you can take even the very worst thing that has happened and let's face it, you're not going to feel this way right when it happens and it takes some time. But if you look back on those events in your life, usually you can tell how you've grown from them, how maybe you've been able to share what you've learned through those experiences and help other people those experiences and help other people. And so I think we need to reframe some of those things and ideas that we've been holding on to, and that's what my friend helped me do today in this situation.

Speaker 1:

She said well, what if? She responded because X, y and Z, and it was like well, at first I said, oh no, that's not the reason. But how do I know? That's not the reason. It certainly is possible. I was just being argumentative. So what are you controlling? Think about it. Come on and be honest with yourself. You might not even realize. Close your eyes if you're not driving, and just visualize yourself gripping. What are you gripping so tightly? What is it? And if I loosen that grip, what's the worst possible thing that could happen? What could I let go of right now? If it seems too much, if whatever you come up with is too big, too scary, then let's chunk it down. Think of something smaller. Think of something smaller that you're tightly gripping. How can you release that grip? Picture releasing that grip. Take a big, long exhale and literally open up your hands, see the tension drain out of your body hands, see the tension drain out of your body and, boy, does that feel good.

Speaker 1:

I have to thank my friend Erin for saying to me Debbie, you've got to loosen that grip. Because in that moment back to that conversation from the beginning with Erin, when I was talking about should I write another book? Should I keep doing the podcast? What should I be saying on social media? I think I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't think anyone's listening. Oh my goodness, should I quit? Should I? When she gave me permission to loosen the grip and just kind of let things happen, it changed everything. Now I got to tell you.

Speaker 1:

Since that time it's been about a month or more I've been uncomfortable in this feeling because I'm unsure. I don't like being unsure. It's unknown. What should I do next? Oh my gosh, I feel almost paralyzed. I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing anything, I'm just trusting. I'm just trusting. I keep telling myself that.

Speaker 1:

And you know what, when I was finally able to take a breath, I said you know what? I'm going to keep doing my podcast because I like talking to you. You know what I'm going to keep doing my podcast because I like talking to you, and if and when the time comes that you know I feel like I'm no longer making a difference, I'll stop. It's really no big deal. I'm making more of it than it needs to be and if I don't decide to write another book right now, what's going to happen? Nothing. And I sat back and I took some breaths and I got to say in the last week I started getting some clarity Not going to talk about what that is right now, because we'll see where it goes from here, but I surrendered.

Speaker 1:

I surrendered, I loosened my grip Doesn't mean that I'm giving up at all. It just means that I'm taking a different approach. I'm realizing that I don't have to control everything. I can let opportunities come and go. I'm making space for whatever comes next, and so I'm challenging you find one area in your life where you can loosen your grip. Do it. Take that breath, unclench those fists, loosen the grip and see how life will unfold exactly as it should, whether that's the way you expected it to happen or not. So we might just enjoy the ride instead of barreling through a tense ball of stress, all right, so I can't leave you with tense ball of stress. So let's do this together. Let's take a long, deep breath in Close your eyes and do it. Picture it Right now your fists are clenched so tightly One, two, three. Open those hands, let it go and let life happen for you. Please tell me what you think of this. Tell me if you resonate Any aha moments that you had. Tag me on social media, on Instagram, debbierweiss, or email me at debbie, at debbie r weisscom.

Speaker 1:

I'd love to hear from you and until next time I will see you next week. Thanks for spending part of your day with me here on I can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. It's been great having you and I hope you're leaving with a spark to light up your journey to more. Remember every big change starts with a single Maybe. If you're ready to kickstart that change but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you. Head over to download my free guide, the one critical step to kickstart change, and take that all-important first step. Let's make those maybes into reality, one sprinkle at a time. Catch you next tuesday at 4 pm eastern, 1 pm pacific, with more stories, tips and that extra push you might need. I'm Debbie saying goodbye for now, but always remember maybe, just maybe, you can.

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Debbie Weiss

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