Maybe I Can with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 116: Letting Go of People-Pleasing & Judgment

• Debbie Weiss

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In this episode, I dive into my lifelong struggle with the fear of judgment—how it started in childhood, shaped my habits as an adult, and led to people-pleasing and seeking constant external validation. I share the ways this fear has influenced my decisions, from obsessively responding to messages to worrying about how others perceive me as a mother, business owner, and individual. Together, we explore why we crave approval, how it holds us back, and, most importantly, actionable steps to break free. From setting boundaries and embracing imperfection to finding internal validation, this episode is all about reclaiming confidence and living life on your terms—without needing permission from anyone else.

 

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities, one sprinkle at a time. If you've ever found yourself asking is this all there is to life, then you're in the right place. I'm Debbie author, speaker, entrepreneur and coach, and every Tuesday I'm here to share a sprinkle of hope and inspiration. Together, we'll uncover the more More joy, more fulfillment, more prosperity, more fun. We'll share stories of transformation, actionable tips and that little nudge you need to take the next step. So let's embark on this journey of discovery and say maybe I can to a life filled with more, ready to find out. Let's get started. The Maybe I Can Show starts now. Well, hi everyone and welcome to the Maybe I Can Podcast. I'm your host, debbie Weiss, and thank you so much for joining me today.

Speaker 1:

I have to say that I have not been live in two weeks I guess maybe three weeks now and I've missed you. It has been. I'll fill you in a little bit, but for my day job I needed to take a standardized test and it's 61 years old, you know, not so used to studying and sitting for tests and all that stuff, so I was kind of cramming. Usually it takes people a few months to prepare for the test, but, for whatever reason, I had it in my mind that I wanted to do it and get it over with. So I had my head down, I was studying, and so I think I took the test two days after that podcast would have been. So I didn't come live that day and I'm happy to say that I passed the test, yay. And then last week I took a quick trip down to Florida to visit my mom, so I wasn't here on Tuesday. So that's where I have been. But I'm so glad to be back. And I have to be honest that until about two hours ago I had a completely different show topic planned and kind of this came to me, just as it did for that test that I took.

Speaker 1:

Leading up to the test, I was just kind of memorizing stuff and maybe not really understanding how things piece together. And like the night before the test, I was reading something that I'd read before in studying and all of a sudden I had this aha moment and thought, oh, that's how it all goes together. And then when you have an understanding of really the reason behind it and how one point affects the other, it starts to make sense and all that memorizing isn't necessarily necessary when you get that and I'm sharing that because that's what happened to me two hours ago and when I had that aha moment, I thought, oh my goodness, I have to come and tell you about this today, so totally winging it, since it literally just came to me two hours ago. And I'll tell you how. The whole thing kicked off last weekend or last Friday when I went into TikTok and I have to say, even though I am on TikTok posting videos I am not on TikTok as a user because I have come to understand how you could get sucked down that TikTok hole, that Reels hole. Whichever social media platform is your poison, it works. And I see how, all of a sudden, it's an hour later and I'm sure my youngest son could say it's like a day later when he lifts his head up from the reels or the video.

Speaker 1:

Anyhow, I go on TikTok to just see if there were any comments or anything on my latest video. And at first I looked and I thought, wow, this video that just posted has 10,000 views For me that's a lot on a regular basis. And then I go in the comments and people were like yelling at me and calling me all kinds of disgusting names that I'm not going to repeat here. And I'm thinking what is happening. And then I start to read and I see that people are defending me and they're saying this is not her, this is not her, that woman has this color hair and that woman looks like this and whatever it was. And I realized, quickly realized, they're bashing me for something I did not do. I did not say the things that they were saying about me. I don't know who this woman is. I got the idea of the things that she said and it's completely opposite of who I am. And I panicked. I panicked. What do I do? Do I go on every single comment because there were a lot of comments and say it's not me? Please, please, don't think it's me. I was so mortified that people thought that I was the kind of person who would make certain disparaging remarks and they were judging me for that. And now these people wouldn't, you know, they would go out and say negative things about me and they would tell everyone that they knew. Look at this disgusting woman and what she says and what she stands for. And I'm like, oh my gosh, what do I do? Do I make a video? But I knew from the past.

Speaker 1:

You know, a couple of years ago I actually did have a TikTok video go viral and it got 3.7 million views. Go viral and it got 3.7 million views and I wanted to tell people because at the time it was right after my husband passed away and the comments, the kind comments and the things that people were saying it literally was getting a hug from the world. I can't describe it. It really is just the opposite of what was happening. It was like how social media could have a very positive effect and then a very negative effect, and I wanted to tell people thank you, you don't know what you've given to me and what you've done for me, and nobody watched the thank you video, and so I know that that wouldn't work, and so I think I answered one comment. I actually messaged my assistant and she deleted the video, the one video that was getting the most negative play. There's still a couple up there that have a few comments and I just decided I have to be okay with it not being okay. There is no fix. I can't tell every single person that saw this how this comes to play into.

Speaker 1:

What I want to discuss today is that I was afraid of being judged and I've spent my whole life afraid of judgment, afraid of judgment by other people and it started and if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you've heard this before. It started in childhood, because I have had a lifelong struggle with weight and I have my earliest memory of probably being two or three years old and being in preschool something and just being very aware that my legs were a little chubbier, or my midsection or whatever it was. I didn't feel like I was enough compared to those other thinner little girls and whether they were sending me that message, whether it was the adults, I mean I don't know if it was at three, I know at five I was so excited to take my first dance class because I've always loved dancing and I remember feeling uncomfortable again at five, being in the tights and the bodysuit and, looking back, I was just a little bit chubby. I was not incredibly, incredibly overweight at that age, just a little bit chubby. You know, the music started.

Speaker 1:

I was good. I was a good dancer in that little group of five-year-old dancers. I was so good that I was eventually, in the spring, picked to be. You know the quote, unquote lead in our one number recital and I don't remember exactly what it was, but back then you didn't have your own costumes, like the dance studio had the same costumes they used year after year and a mom had to measure me for the costume and I remember her taking a measurement of whatever probably my waist and announcing what seemed like it was through a megaphone, letting everyone know she won't fit in the costume. I ran out the door and never went to dance class again something that I loved and so people would look at me. I know people would say, oh, she has such a pretty face, and then kind of like pause and I could fill in the blank it's such a shame that her body doesn't match her face. Well, as a child, after being judged for my appearance, I also found that I could be judged positively by the grades that I received in school and what a good student I was, and later on judged by athletic ability and you know how popular you were and you know all those things that you're judged. You know as a child those things that you're judged as a child and for sure this has shaped who I am. It shaped my self-worth and led to this feeling of self-doubt, and then even as an adult, or I would say a young adult. And again, if you followed me, you know my story At 17, my dad had a massive stroke.

Speaker 1:

Well, when I was 17, not him, he was 45, almost 46. And he had a massive stroke and he survived. My parents soon divorced and I became my dad's primary caregiver. And when I stepped into that role In the beginning I think I embraced it because people were judging me, but I was on the right side of judgment. Oh, look at what she's doing, look at how she's there for her father. She's amazing. You know all the compliments, all the accolades, and so the more that I did for my dad, you know, the more that positive feedback would come in, and I think that's one of the reasons that I actually really loved being his caregiver.

Speaker 1:

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my father. You know I was daddy's little girl and I would have done anything for him even without those positive accolades. But it definitely did fuel my fire. It gave me that validation that I was seeking and it started to actually build my confidence by always seeking the approval of others. I got to tell you, and maybe you know firsthand, it's exhausting, it's anxiety producing, because now you're second guessing yourself all the time, worried, overthinking about what you do, what you say. It's exhausting, it's exhausting and maybe sometimes it causes you to be phony.

Speaker 1:

I have to say I've never had the ability to be phony, but in some people we know it, we see it, we see those phony personas. And why is that? It's because they want to be liked. We all want to be liked and we all want to be accepted. As a matter of fact, it's not just a personality trait, this sense of wanting to belong. It's actually wired into our biology Because back in, I guess, the caveman days, our ancestors, they relied on belonging to a group for survival. Being part of a tribe meant that you had food and people there to protect you and resources, and if you were rejected or excluded it could literally be life-threatening. And because of this our brains have evolved to be attuned to wanting and needing that social acceptance, this, I guess, basically survival mechanism. It made us safe. And so today, just that threat of being cast out even though in most cases it's not going to be life-threatening, it's still viewed by our brain as a threat. And the same parts of the brain that process physical pain, like a broken bone or whatever hangnail also light up when we experience social pain such as being criticized or excluded, and this is why judgment and disapproval can feel so intense and why we all instinctively try to avoid them.

Speaker 1:

I think in our society it can manifest as becoming a people pleaser or the need to over-explain or want to strive to meet the expectations of our family and our friends and strangers, just like I wanted to meet the expectations of these strangers on TikTok. This is literally, for me, defines my life. I have always been a people pleaser, without realizing it, without realizing that it had a name, and I think it did start with. It started before caregiving for my father. Actually, I think about when I was in my very early teens and my parents were having marital trouble and I wanted to do whatever I could do to make it work for them, and so I spent my time trying to be the best that I could be and make them both happy and talk to them both and make them reconcile and, oh my gosh, talk about exhausting. And then, as I got older, it became people-pleasing. Well, it showed to me most evidently in my need to volunteer and to not let people down. That's what people pleasing is right. So if anybody ever asked me for help, I always was the first to say yes. Now, I don't know whether I did it because I was afraid they wouldn't like me. I'm sure that's part of it. I don't know if it was the idea that they needed me and that was building up my self-worth. I'm sure that was part of it as well.

Speaker 1:

At one point in my life, in my life a point in my life, by the way, when I had my kids were probably, oh maybe, preteens very, very busy with sports. My older son, you know, who has had developmental delays and was having some difficulties, especially going through puberty, so a lot was going on with him. My husband was at that point just starting to really suffer a little bit more from anxiety and depression and working full time, and my dad at that point was in the last stages of his life and I thought this is a perfect idea to be the treasurer of three different organizations at that time. What the heck was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. I was sacrificing my own needs. Forget my happiness. I didn't have time to think about being happy. I couldn't even breathe, and I did this to myself.

Speaker 1:

Sure, some of my circumstances were out of my control, what was happening with my father's health and my husband's health, and you know where my kids were. But it was completely in my control. My volunteering was completely in my control, within my control. I could have, should have said no, and it really wasn't, until a friend pointed that out to me. You know she said and those of us who were old enough to remember Nancy Reagan just say no to drugs. I needed to just say no to people when it did not work for me or my family or my long-term goals.

Speaker 1:

Sure, I did want to help, I believed in these organizations and I did want to help. But you know what? I really wasn't a help because what was I doing? I was running in and out of places. I had checkbooks, because not a lot of computers back then Checkbooks out the wazoo. I'm running from bank to bank. I don't know where the heck I was, because everybody banked somewhere else, including me. It was nuts, it was nuts. So I said, okay, she's right, and my friend really opened my eyes to what I was doing. I didn't even really understand what I was doing and then that kind of sent me on a little path of research, trying to understand about people pleasing and about the fact that saying no was a form of self-care. It was something that I never really understood was self-care. It was self-preservation, for goodness sake, but it was a form of self-care, and so I did. I started saying no and I backed down and, as a matter of fact, eventually I just went to one organization that I felt the strongest about. I became president and when I was done I said goodbye Still involved but not even close to the level I had been and took back on like one little teeny volunteering thing for the other organizations and, you know, have had it in a good place, although I have to say, it started to creep back up just recently.

Speaker 1:

And earlier today I said, look, I am doing it again. And I kept thinking about this one thing I had said yes to. That didn't really resonate with me and I really am not passionate about what am I doing. I'm doing it again. So earlier today I emailed the woman in charge and I said I'm sorry, I just cannot commit to do this. You know, good luck, basically, and I felt really good about this.

Speaker 1:

So today or yesterday I should say I was on a call with my mastermind group and in discussion something came up because I was frustrated with this contractor that I'm using and I'm very unhappy in his response time and he was supposed to help me with some customer service having to do with my book sales and when he didn't answer in a to me a timely fashion, he said well, you know, it could take three to five days. And I said three to five days, that's unacceptable. And Andrea Crisp, the coach, said well, why is it unacceptable? And I said well, that's not customer service. I've been in the customer service business for 30 years and everyone in my office will tell you that I am an absolute nut job when I see that light flicker, because sometimes during the day, if we're all on the telephone, it goes to voicemail If we don't pick up that message. The second that one of us hangs up the phone and call that person right back, I am like barking from my office. Did anybody get the message? Who was it? Did somebody call back? I do the same thing first thing in the morning, if they're there before me when I come in, I like pull up our computer where we see the messages from overnight. Did you see this? Did you call this person? Did you call this person? It's like it's 930. You didn't call them back and my team is like but we were busy and people were coming in and I and people were coming in and I get crazy.

Speaker 1:

And what I came to realize today and another reason why I decided I have to talk about this today was that yesterday Andrea said why don't you journal on what it is that you're afraid of? And as I started writing I realized you know, what am I afraid of? And as I started writing, I realized what am I afraid of? I'm afraid that people won't be happy with our service. Now it's a business. I still feel very strongly about customer service, except my version and someone else's version might not be the same thing. So I realized that, yeah, I'm afraid they're not going to like me and they're not going to like me and then they're going to tell other people oh, that Debbie Weiss, blah, blah, blah, she's no good and they'll share that with everyone.

Speaker 1:

And I realized here it's rearing its ugly head again, that same fear of judgment and not being liked and seeking that external validation. So I took a deep breath, like I just did, and I thought, okay, at least I noticed it right. The first thing we need to do is be aware and identify these triggers, and so I've shortened that time span, now that it's taking me to identify the triggers, because overcoming this does not happen overnight, I think it's. For me, it's going to be a lifelong journey, since it already has been a lifelong struggle of mine, so it's not going to change overnight. But that doesn't mean that it can't change and that we can't improve, and so I need to pay attention, and you need to pay attention if you find that this resonates with you and notice that when am I seeking the need for approval or validation and try and challenge your thought and reframe it. So what? What if they judge me? What if they do? What's the worst thing that can happen?

Speaker 1:

And remind myself that people's judgments are, most of the time, more about themselves than it really is about you, right? It's kind of like they're holding a mirror up to themselves, and so they reflect that back onto you, and sometimes we need to. I find this all the time. I respond to messages too quickly, especially with saying yes to things that I don't want to. We need to take a pause and practice saying no without guilt.

Speaker 1:

The other thing that people do that I'm always impressed with is that they set the expectation with their own time and energy. Have you ever called someone and they'll say this is so-and-so. Leave a message, I will get back to you within 24 hours. When you hear something like that, you're not surprised when two hours later, you haven't heard back. They have set the expectation, and that really is empowering and something that I, personally, am going to consider doing in the future. Find your own internal validation. What do you think of your decisions and your actions and your progress, and journal about it. Pat yourself on the back and surround yourself with people who support you for who you are not what you do or what you look like or any of those things and practice letting go along with me this week Well, not just this week.

Speaker 1:

From here on in, my new mantra is going to be not everyone will like me, and that is perfectly fine. If this resonates with you, please, I would love to hear from you. Drop me a DM on Instagram at debbierweiss, and remember you are not here to be liked by everyone. You are here to live your life on your own terms, so go out there, make it a great day and a great week, and I'll see you again next time.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for spending part of your day with me here on Maybe I Can, exploring possibilities one sprinkle at a time. It's been great having you and I hope you're leaving with a spark to light up your journey to more. Remember every big change starts with a single maybe. If you're ready to kickstart that change but not sure where to begin, I've got just the thing for you. Head over to download my free guide, the One Critical Step to Kickstart Change and take that all important first step. Let's make those maybes into reality, one sprinkle at a time. Catch you next Tuesday at 4 pm Eastern, 1 pm Pacific, with more stories, tips and that extra push you might need. I'm Debbie saying goodbye for now, but always remember maybe, just maybe, you can. Views expressed on this program are those of the host, guests and callers and do not necessarily reflect are those of the host guests and callers and do not necessarily reflect the views of the station, its management or advertisers. You're listening to Transformation Talk Radio.

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