Maybe I Can® with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 122 5 Powerful Lessons Grief Has Taught Me

• Debbie Weiss • Episode 122

Share episode

Send us a text

In this episode, I’m sharing five powerful lessons I’ve learned since becoming a widow. While my journey is uniquely mine, I believe these lessons are universally relatable for anyone navigating through loss or major life transitions—whether it’s from divorce, becoming an empty nester, retiring, or experiencing another shift in life.

I’ll take you through the lessons I’ve gained about enjoying my own company, discovering my hidden strengths, and learning to say no when it’s best for me. These lessons have helped me find strength and meaning in the midst of grief, and I believe they can help you too, no matter where you are in your own journey.

I hope this episode inspires you to see that life after loss doesn’t mean forgetting who you were—it’s about discovering who you’re becoming.

NEW! The Sprinkle Effect Book!
https://www.debbierweiss.com/thesprinkleeffect


***NEW FREE WORKBOOK**

Kickstart Your New Life with One Critical Step: A Practical Guide for Women Ready to Redefine Their Paths and Embrace New Beginnings.

DOWNLOAD HERE TODAY: https://www.debbierweiss.com/kickstart


MAYBE I CAN BEGIN TO CHANGE MY LIFE Enrollment is now OPEN & 50% OFF!

This transformative six-module journey of self-discovery and empowerment includes a printable worksheet and offers lifetime access to all materials. Designed for those facing major life crossroads or simply seeking greater fulfillment, this course is your path to a more purposeful life.

LEARN MORE HERE: https://www.debbierweiss.com/beginchange


Work with Debbie! See all the ways you can work with Debbie to help you live the life you know you're meant for: https://www.debbierweiss.com/workwithdebbie


On Second Thought... Maybe I Can Book on Amazon: https://bit.ly/maybeIcanbook


Morning Sprinkles of Goodness: Download your copy of this free guide to help you kickstart your day. Grab it here: ...

Speaker 1:

Hi and welcome back to the Maybe I Can podcast. I'm your host, debbie Weiss. Welcome to the show. So before I get started with today's episode seems like I do this a lot because I plan to talk about something and then something happens real time, and I just have the need to share it with you because, let's be honest, if I don't, I'll forget. I could write it down, but I have to say that sometimes my methods, I've got too many things all over the place and I never wind up going back to it.

Speaker 1:

And what happened to me was is that today I have been waiting for two pieces of news, two decisions that affect my business. Obviously, I'm hoping for a positive result in both cases, but I don't have the answer. And so you know when you're waiting for something, and it's like you keep checking your email, checking your phone. Is it on? Did I turn it off? Maybe I need to refresh? So I'm doing that all day. And then, in the midst of that, I have not been feeling well. I think I've mentioned over the last several weeks, for probably the last month, sinus thing, ear thing, and went to the ear, nose and throat doctor and just literally an hour ago, got a tube put in my left ear yes, you heard me right A tube like they put in little kids' ears. Except with adults you don't have to be asleep, you do it while you're awake. I, unfortunately, my ear is my Achilles heel, or I guess, my Achilles ear, and so I probably oh, I don't know, I've probably had 20 tubes in my ears over the last decade or two, so sometimes it's worse than others.

Speaker 1:

Today wasn't horrible, but, you know, still a little bothersome. And I had to run to the store and I have had jelly beans on my mind, for whatever reason, and I was like, you know, let me just buy the jelly beans because I am in the mood, I'm craving sweets, maybe a little bit of that. Oh, I deserve it. I'm so stressed waiting for these decisions to come in and my ear hurts and I didn't mention to you, but I'm dizzy too. I think I've got like a little vertigo going on. It's like, oh my gosh, let me just have jelly beans, because, you know, jelly beans, they're like magic and they should take care of all my troubles. Beans, they're like magic and they should take care of all my troubles, and I thought I'd only eat a few and I'm riding home and I'm taking handfuls of the jelly beans on the way home and, quite frankly, now I feel sick to my stomach and I thought, boy, it's so interesting because this is something that I really rarely do anymore.

Speaker 1:

However, it was a habit that was ingrained in me for I don't know four decades, five decades, and maybe it's been close to a decade now, since I felt like I had this issue. I felt like I had gotten over this pattern of emotional eating and saying, oh, it's okay, I deserve it, kind of thing, and it just goes to show, like you, you, I don't think you're ever and I hate to use the word quote unquote cured. I think it's like any addiction, right, I mean, I've mentioned it on this podcast before as a kid, and I mean a kid because back then we didn't know how bad smoking was and I smoked. But from the minute that I quit smoking, which was 35 years ago, I have never had another puff drag whatever of a cigarette, and I know if I did it right now, it would be disgusting. I can't stand the smell. I'm that reformed smoker. All of that I have no desire. But I also know that I did enjoy it, that I am addicted, was addicted to it once, and so it'd be very easy for me to fall right back into the habit.

Speaker 1:

But as I'm sitting here feeling sick to my stomach right now, I remind myself that in the past I would have said oh man, I can't believe you did that right. And then I would start that negative self-talk for reading myself you have no self-control. You know better. Did you really think you're going to turn to food? You're such an idiot. Blah, blah, blah. Now your pants aren't going to fit and you know I'd go like down this rabbit hole.

Speaker 1:

But instead I'm not doing that. There's no reason to beat myself up. I wouldn't beat up a friend for such I don't even want to say mistake for such a decision. Right, because it was my choice and I have to own that. It wasn't the choice of you know the fact that nervous, waiting for this business stuff to come through, or that I'm not feeling well because of my ear, none of those things. I made the conscious decision to do that and that's okay. That doesn't mean that I'm bad, that doesn't mean that I'm a failure, none of those things. But I'm also making the conscious decision to say that doesn't mean that the rest of today or the rest of the week, which is an old pattern of mine I can say, oh, screw it, I blew it, so I might as well just go for it. Nope, I did it, it's over, it's done. And I'm moving on.

Speaker 1:

And I share this because you know, those of us who are on social media and podcasts and the books and all the things, with how far we've come, and I have come far and I do have a lot of knowledge to share, but I'm human and that doesn't mean that I'm perfect. We are all always a work in progress and this is something for me that's difficult. You know what? Not taking another cigarette right now, that's not something that's difficult for me, that's an easy hell. No, the jelly beans not so much. My choice, moving on.

Speaker 1:

So I share that with you because, you know, sometimes I know for myself when I listen to other podcasts or see people on social media and it's like, oh gosh, she has it so together and you know it's another, it's another. That really isn't a good one. That comparison that's, you know, comparing yourself to someone else, and in your mind you're always thinking, oh, look at them. Why can't I be like that person? Why can't I have more self-discipline, why can't my body look like that? Or I make five million dollars, or whatever it is that you're comparing yourself to.

Speaker 1:

But just always remember that none of us knows the full story, and I also remind you that people close to me didn't always know my whole story. So even I'll never forget, never forget. When I was a teenager I don't remember what it was over and my parents were separated Maybe they were divorced at the time I remember my mother telling me never forget. No matter how close you are to someone, you really never know what's going on in someone else's mind. And it's true, the only person's mind who you have control over is your own. So that's my little eight-minute rant before I get into the topic of today, and the topic of today is five things that I've learned since I've become a widow. Now, with that said, if you're not a widow hopefully you're not a widow that doesn't mean that this episode is not for you, because I believe that you can take out the word widow and plug in a bunch of different things. Maybe it's what divorce taught me. What? If it's, maybe it's some other form of grief becoming an empty nester, retiring, some other life transition. Whatever it is. I think that so many of the things that I've learned since I've become a widow are pretty much all things that I've learned about myself, and so I think they can be learned by each of us at different points in our own journey. So, number one, I can actually enjoy my own company, and I think that this is maybe come into clearer focus since I've become a widow. But this has been a work in progress.

Speaker 1:

When I was a little girl, I never liked to be alone. Never liked to be alone, and maybe it was because I didn't feel loved if I was alone. I had that feeling of loneliness, you know, always measuring myself up, especially as a teenager, of who's hanging out with who and who's over somebody else's house and I'm not invited and I'm here alone and what am I going to do with myself? And I don't think maybe I was comfortable being alone with my thoughts and I was lonely. And you know I did love to read and I did love to listen to music, and so I have to say I did enjoy doing that, but for the most part I was not comfortable with myself, you know, because I wasn't, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and you know, years ago, when someone else, something happened to someone else I don't remember whether it was someone who was widowed or I think it was actually a friend of mine who got divorced and it was Saturday night and she was sitting home alone watching movies and I just was.

Speaker 1:

I remember just feeling like this ache for her as I sat with Gary, you know, doing whatever we did, you know eating dinner, watching TV. That was our big Saturday night, but we were doing it together. My friend's kids were older, so they were out of the house, but mine were not, and I just I couldn't imagine the feeling of loneliness, what she felt like, and I really my heart ached for her, so much so that I was always trying to figure out ways that she wasn't alone. But she would say to me she was okay and I didn't really understand that.

Speaker 1:

And now what I've come to learn and maybe I've been forced to learn, but I did have some practice leading up to becoming a widow is that I actually enjoy my own company. I actually enjoy my own company. I actually went from being someone who needed to be busy, socializing, exercising, going somewhere, doing something all the time to someone who likes to be home and to be home by myself. Now, I have to be honest, if it's day after day and night after night, it does get to wear on me, but for the most part I have discovered that I enjoy my own company and I think it's because I have, you know, found things that stimulate me. I now like to meditate and I like to journal and I listen to audio books. And you know, I've always exercised and right now I really don't do that at home on my own, but something that I have done in the past. And you know, maybe there's something that I like to watch on TV that you know, quite honestly, when my husband were alive, it was really hard for me to watch some things on TV because we were always watching TV together for the most part, at least for most of our years together. And I like that silence, I like that peace, I like being able to kind of do whatever I want to do. Right now I'm home alone and I said you know what I feel like talking to you, so I'm going to press record and I'm just going to go for it. So I think that there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, and I never understood that before I thought they were one in the same, and so I have learned that I can enjoy my own company. Not only can I, I do enjoy my own company, and I crave it. I crave it, and I never thought that I would be that person. All right, lesson number two I'm capable of doing things I never thought I could.

Speaker 1:

I've shared some stories about, right after Gary died, how it seemed like everything under the sun started breaking Leaks down in my basement from a hot water heater from the ceiling into my foyer. Under the sink, the toilet was exploded, something happened at my office. So many different things, and I had no experience. You know, yeah, I would make a phone call in the past, but it would be. You know, gary would say call this person, and he would be the person who was dealing with the repairman, or you know whoever it was. It was Not me, and not that I didn't think that I could talk to someone, but I don't really understand, or I don't really understand the mechanics of all that stuff. It's just not my wheelhouse. I got a lot of things that I'm good at. That's not one that I'm good at or that interests me. As a matter of fact, I never forget.

Speaker 1:

When I became an insurance agent, I was like, oh my gosh, people are going to ask me about things that have to do with their house and their cars and how to fix them. And I thought I am not that person and luckily we have a lot of other people in the company who can help with that company, who can help with that. You know what I think? I still don't like it, but I don't freak out Not that I freaked out initially, but I did. I think I was. It was overwhelming to me and now I just feel like I take it more in stride.

Speaker 1:

I've actually had not only those are the things that happened at home. I have had two things happen at my office that required, you know, I actually had to file insurance claims for the damage that was done to my insurance office and, in the past, anything having to do with that. I would literally just have passed it off to him and say you handle it and I would have nothing to do with it, and I thought I couldn't. But I can. It's just that I don't enjoy it and I don't want to, but the fact that I can and I have handled, oh, probably a dozen things in the last two years. You know, with each thing that I handle, it just makes me more comfortable and more empowered to know that really there's nothing that I can't handle. There's a lot of things in life that we don't want to handle, but that doesn't mean that we can't, and that's empowering.

Speaker 1:

Just like I always hated food shopping, I, in 30 years, I, oh my gosh in 30 years, or at least up until the time that Gary gets, I think I can literally count on one hand how many times I went into a supermarket by myself one hand in 30 years. I can't stand it. He loved it and it was just not my job. Luckily, you know, there's shop from home, which I do. I still find that I do have to go to the supermarket. But you know what? I figured out what works for me, what supermarket works for me? I like a smaller supermarket, not too overwhelming, not too crowded. I know the time of day I prefer to go. When it's not that busy, I go, I go in and I, I get out and and I'm okay, I'm okay, and there was a time where I thought, oh my gosh, if, if I don't have Gary doing the food shopping, you know what will happen to me. I'll have to hire someone to do the food shopping. I literally thought that I can do it. I just don't want to do it.

Speaker 1:

Lesson number three it's okay to say no to an invitation. I never wanted to say no to an invitation. One I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. Two I thought they'll never ask me again and what I've found is that I have to say no if saying no is good for me and people, especially when you first lose your spouse, you know people are always trying to include you and invite you places and get you to go places so that you're not alone, which is very nice. But what I found is that there are some situations that I don't enjoy, that I actually find triggering. You know, I'm not going out with two or three other couples and myself, even if it's two couples that are close friends, and it's not like. I mean, for goodness sake, it really makes no difference that they're couples, but it's bothersome to me and that's all that matters. If it doesn't feel good to me, it's okay to say no. I don't have to say yes to everything, and I think if you are a reformed or reforming people pleaser like myself, you'll understand that if you haven't mastered the art of saying no and not feeling guilty Sometimes it feels good to say no, it's okay, and it feels good to say no, it's okay and it's okay to say no. Lesson number four no one else can do this but me.

Speaker 1:

I think this is a level of acknowledging the loneliness, of grief and kind of understanding that we have to get through this on our own. Whether it's grief, the loss of someone, the loss of a marriage, the loss of a job, whatever that is, it's wonderful to have people there to support you. Believe me, it does make a huge difference. But in the end, we've got to put on our big girl pants and figure out how we're going to get through this. Nobody else can get through it for us. Nobody else can get through it for us. Nobody else can get through the yucks, the really hard times, other than ourselves. And that doesn't mean that we're not going to be emotional and feel all the feelings, because it's important that we do that. However, we can't look to someone else to heal us right. It's a personal journey Again friends, therapists, support groups, all the things we should take advantage of, but in the end, it's us, it's up to us and we need to accept that responsibility and take credit for it. Take credit for it when we do that and, last but not least, we need to give ourselves permission that it's okay to create a new life.

Speaker 1:

And this is hard, because I think that there is at least for me, there's a little bit of a sense of guilt, like, oh, if I start to create a new life that I might be excited about, that means I didn't love my old life, or I didn't love my husband, or I don't miss my husband, and that's not true. That's not true. I didn't ask to lose my husband and I think for me part of it comes, I know, part of it guilt feeling comes from the fact that when Gary was dying and he was suffering with depression pretty severely and I was, you know, and I've talked about this before part of a coping mechanism actually wound up for me being writing my memoir, and I didn't do it at the hospital when he was, you know, getting a test done, or I would wake up at five o'clock in the morning and write and he said you are creating with incurable blood cancer and you know that hurt me, that he thought that that's what I was doing that I was excited to move on. That was not the case. That is not the case. That is not the case.

Speaker 1:

I would certainly do anything to have him here with me and healthy, but the fact is he's not, and I'm still here, and you're still here, and we deserve to have a life that we love, and only we can create it. I didn't think that I would ever be at this point. I think so many of us never do right, but life has a funny way of throwing things, throwing us curveballs, and I am hoping that I've got a lot of years left on this earth and I plan to make the most of them. And just because I am now figuring out what my life looks like, moving forward, does not negate the fact that I loved my husband, or that you loved, you know, know whom ever, or whatever life that you had before. It just means that we deserve to recreate ourselves.

Speaker 1:

I mean, if you think to yourself, really looking back, how many times at this point in your life have you recreated yourself? Have you turned into a new version of ourselves? That's what it's all about, right? We're constantly evolving and growing, and sometimes it might come out of something that's positive. Like you know, you've graduated with a new degree or you've got a promotion, and sometimes it may come out of something that you know is not something we wished for, but it happened, and so we need to evolve and grow, and we should never, never, feel guilty about it. Starting over doesn't mean that we're forgetting. It's remembering who we were and figuring out who we're becoming, who we're becoming. I hope that something in today's episode inspired you in some small way. I would love it for you to reach out. You can DM me on Instagram, at debbieorweiss, or email me at debbie at debbiereweisscom. And until next time, remember, maybe you can.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Debbie Weiss

Host