Maybe I Can® with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 148: Breaking Free From Comparison

• Debbie Weiss • Episode 148

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This week, I’m getting real about something we all struggle with — comparison.

I just returned from a trip to California, and somewhere between the laughter, the beaches, and the good food, I found myself falling into an old habit: comparing my body, my choices, and my progress to the women around me.

In this episode, I’m unpacking why we do this, how it disconnects us from our own lives, and what we can do to shift from self-doubt to self-compassion.

We may never completely stop comparing — but we can recognize it, reframe it, and remind ourselves that someone else’s success doesn’t take away from our own.

Listen now and remember: you don’t need to be her. You just need to be you.

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SPEAKER_00:

In fact, maybe I can podcast. I'm your host, Debbie Weiss, and I'm so happy to see you again this week. And welcome if you're a new listener or one who's been listening to the show for a while. I really appreciate you being here. And you know, every week I try and talk to you about what's going on in my own life and sharing the good, the bad, the struggles because I think that, you know, we all share those things. Whether they look a little different, it doesn't make a difference. There are so many common themes within our lives and things that we need to work on. And I just got back from vacation. I was away, if you've listened last week, I talked about how we almost didn't go on vacation and how everything kind of changed and we were able to. And I went away with my two cousins and another friend of ours that we do a lot of traveling with. I came back aware that I wasn't feeling great about myself. I think it was almost through the whole time. As I was thinking about it, I realized that it was because I was comparing myself to them physically, their bodies. Because, you know, with women, it's usually, oh, what do you think of this shirt? Should I wear this tonight? You know, should I tuck this in kind of thing? And I'd say my two cousins and I have all had lifelong wait problems. But they're at a point where they have had gastric bypass surgery and they've also had some cosmetic surgery where they were able to, you know, kind of like do a tummy tuck, do something to their arms, do something to their breasts. They're probably both maybe now a size eight, I would say. Don't forget, this is coming from a size 24 or even higher. And then my other friend, she struggled with her weight, but not like the rest of us have. And unfortunately, right now, she's got some health difficulties, and she's probably down to a size four. So she's a four. Let's say the two of them are eights, and I'm like a 12 or 14. And I really felt disgusting. I hate to say it, but I gotta be honest with you because that's what I do. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. I really felt bad about myself. Every time I got dressed, or I would look in the mirror, and then I would look at them, and they looked so stylish, and their stomachs looked flat and their hips and everything. I just couldn't stop comparing myself. And I thought to myself, boy, I've come a long way with my weight. I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I I have to think of where I've come from. And uh it was very, very difficult for me. I came home, like I said, feeling like, ugh, this is gonna be TMI, but I came home with a UTI that's making me not feel so good. So I'm sure that physically not feeling well, the whole thing, you know, then everything seems crummy, right? But in retrospect, I know that a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was comparing myself. Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm sure you do. Whether it's comparing yourself to some people that you see in person, and of course, nowadays online and social media, we all know that that's that's a big issue. But let's talk about why we do it because it doesn't mean that something's wrong with us because we compare ourselves to others. It's actually something that's wired in our brain as humans. If you think back way back to like the caveman days, you needed to be part of a group. There was a need to be part of a tribe, a sense of belonging, because you were in physical danger in those days. And if you got cast out of a group and on your own, chances were that you weren't going to survive. So comparing ourselves, wanting to fit in. I think that's what it is, right? It's this need to fit in. And I know that I have always had a need to fit in. I can think of so many different times in my life, not just as a kid with the popular group or the jocks or whatever those groups were that you wanted to be a part of when you were younger. I mean, even as an adult wanting to fit in, looking longingly at someone. Maybe it was a group of women who looked good, or I've talked about before, fitting in with a group of moms, maybe whose kids were athletic. You know what I'm saying. There's always something. Now I can think about speaker groups. Oh, look at those people who are getting$25,000 every time they speak. I want to be part of that group, but you know, comparing myself to them and saying, oh, I'm not good enough, kind of thing, which I'm just not there yet, and that's okay. So it's human. We are wired to want to fit in. But now, with social media, as I mentioned, it makes it so much more difficult. We have to remember that most people post on social media their highlight reel. If you take a look at a string of people's posts, it's, oh, look at me. I mean, me too. Look at me. I'm here on vacation. Look at me. Here's my child graduating. It goes on and on, and it's really difficult to stop comparing. I think we're prone to do this is times when we ourselves are in transition and we want to see. Gee, here's someone who was, I mean, for me, I can say a widow, and this is something actually, this is, I wasn't going to bring this up, but now that you and I are talking, I want to share that I've noticed me noticing other widows, okay, because in my social media feed, you know, I follow a lot of these people. I see that they're dating. And on December 30th, 2025, it'll be three years since I've lost my husband. I have not considered dating. Now, I shouldn't say that. If Mr. Wright walked in and wanted to go out with me, I would say yes. But I am not in my mind ready to go through that whole go online and try to find the right person and the dating sites. Like, no, that is not for me. But I find myself comparing myself when I see someone who lost their husband two years ago and they've found this new wonderful love. And and what am I doing? I'm comparing myself because I'm looking at them and I'm saying, what did they have that I don't have? But the truth is, what the heck do I know about that person on social media that I'm looking at? Right? Do I know the backstory? Maybe she was fixed up with someone, maybe she's been trying for a year to meet someone on a dating website, and I haven't been trying. So why would I think that I would meet someone if she has been putting in the effort? I'm talking about dating or weight loss. It can apply to any wherever you are in life. Maybe you're listening to me because you've been a caregiver, you've been a widow, you're in, you know, your 40s, 50s, 60s plus, and you can relate to me because you think the same thing that I had thought. Is this all there is? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? And you want to see what has she done that maybe I could apply to my own life? I think that we're all trying to do that and learn from each other. But when you're feeling shaky, it's easy to look outside yourself at all these other people. You want to see someone, I hate to say this, but sometimes you want to see someone who's trying and not successful because that makes you feel better. Because either you've tried something, whatever that something is, and haven't been successful, or you haven't tried and it's almost social proof, like, look, I can't try that because that person over there tried it and they're not successful. You know, I think when we do this, when we're constantly comparing ourselves to other people, gosh, it it makes us doubt ourselves so much more. And I feel like it makes us berate ourselves. And it makes us have imposter syndrome. I do get that all the time. I listen to someone else's podcast and I think, oh my goodness, she sounds so professional, so together, like the kind of person that should be doing a podcast. And then I get imposter syndrome. I think to myself, what am I doing this for? I'm terrible at this. I just yap away, I pause, sometimes ramble, and I shouldn't be doing this. I'm not a podcaster, I'm not a journalist, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. And listening to other people and comparing myself to other people, it just makes me feel like an imposter. It disconnects when we're always comparing ourselves. We miss what's actually working in our lives. Right now, really think about it. Is every single thing in your life not working? No. It's just that you're focusing on what's not working instead of what is good in our lives. And it's a never-ending game. Let's think about it. Even if you get to that next level, and I'll just use that speaker example that I talked about before. Even if I get to the level where I'm paid$25,000 every time I speak, what happens? Then I'll be looking at the next level. Oh, she gets$50,000,$100,000. It never stops. Every time that you get to the next level, there's always someone who is doing it more, faster, better. It's a never-ending game that can make us crazy and really make us feel lousy about ourselves all the time. It's really hard. Comparison is the fastest way to forget who you actually are. So, how do we stop doing this? Now, first, let me say, I don't know if we can ever stop doing it completely. But I think that the biggest thing is awareness. And just by listening to this podcast, I hope that now you become aware when you're actually comparing yourself and those thoughts start spiraling out of control, telling yourself that you're not good enough because look at that other person. So we have to notice the triggers. When are we actually starting to compare ourselves? When does it happen most? Does it happen when you're scrolling on social media? Does it happen when you're at family events or with any group of women? Maybe it's a career thing. For me, it also happens when people start talking about their retirement and how much money they have. I have two people in my neighborhood who are downsizing and moving. And it's really hard because I've lived here for 26 years and I'm the last person in this community. And those two people, two families, they're also around my age and they're able to downsize. They're able to go pay cash for their next home and they're able to stop working soon. And as soon as I talk to them, I think, oh, look at me. That's where I should be. And I start comparing myself. That's a trigger. Or when my friends start talking about retirement, and then that's a trigger for me because I'm comparing myself to their financial situation. Once we become aware of when this is happening, then we're able to notice it, realize what you're doing, and it's okay to say to yourself, I'm gonna name this, and say, instead of spiraling out of control, I'm comparing myself right now. And that helps you step out of it. It also can help you ask, what is this person that I'm comparing myself to showing me that I might want to create in my own life? Instead of feeling ashamed, we need to take whatever we're looking at and say, okay, what is it when I look at this person, when I compare myself, that I want to actually create in my own life? Instead of letting it make us feel bad, it's a reframe, right? Instead of envy, it should be, well, if she can do it, maybe I can too. Maybe I can, right? It's the name of this podcast and it's what it's all about. Instead of comparing ourselves, use it as motivation. When I was thinking about how my cousins look so good and they've lost all this weight, and I say, well, they had gastric bypass. Okay, they did. But how many times, including with one of them, have I seen gastric bypass fail? If I'm being honest with myself, I notice how hard they work at it. They're doing the food shopping, they're doing the prep, they're making sure they always have the snacks. They are making good choices, they have developed good habits. And if I'm being honest, I have developed some good habits, but not all of them. Or some of those good habits that I've developed have fallen by the wayside. And so I've come home from this trip thinking, okay, I get it. I need to hold myself accountable and start changing some of my habits because they've done it, maybe I can too. So we need to turn comparison into possibility. If she can do it, maybe I can too. And remember, when you're comparing yourself, you're just assuming a lot of things about that person. Whether it's a video, it's a picture, you're seeing one frame in someone else's movie. And you don't know the backstory. Keep that in mind. Also, we need to remember there isn't a limited amount of success, of money, of happiness, of love. None of those things. Just because someone else has it doesn't mean that you can't have it too. You can. We need to shift the focus when we're comparing and remind ourselves, like I said earlier, what's going well for me right now? Start thinking about that when you notice that you're comparing. Come on, what's going well for me? What have I accomplished? How have I grown in the past year? Write it down if you need to. Journal on those questions. I'm telling you, it'll help. And the last thing we really need to do is limit our exposure. Whatever those triggers are, those environments, take a break. Protect yourself with peace. This is protecting your peace without feeling guilty. If you have to say no to an invitation from a group that you know you go there and you come home and you feel crummy about yourself, don't do it. It's okay. Oh my goodness. Just talking about it, I'll tell you, my insides, it's something else that happens when you compare yourself. It's like my insides feel tense, right? Because as I'm talking, I'm feeling those situations when I'm always comparing myself. We need to remind ourselves that this is our life. Their timeline might be different than yours, and that's okay. You can't be late to your own life. So I want you to think. And again, think about it, journal on it, whatever works for you. Where do I most often compare myself to others? What might that be teaching me about what I want? Right? Think of it that way. It's teaching me what I want. In my case, yeah, I don't want to stay at this weight. I want to drop 20 pounds. But it's teaching me that in order to do that, I have to buckle down and build some habits. How can I focus on building that for myself instead of measuring myself against someone else's highlight reel? Remember, comparison is part of being human, but we don't have to let it run the show. Once we're aware, we can reframe and then we can shift those feeling less than feelings of feeling grounded in who we are. I want to close with saying, remember, you don't need to be her. You just need to be you. And that is more than enough. If any of this resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs that reminder today. And remember, you are not behind your becoming. And maybe you can make it a great week, and I'll see you next week.

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Debbie Weiss

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