Maybe I Can® with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 156: Joy Isn't Gone... We Just Stopped Looking

• Debbie Weiss • Episode 156

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After a trip to Disney at Christmas, I found myself asking why that joy feels so intense—and why it often feels harder to access in everyday life.

Children expect good things. They stay present. They allow themselves to feel excitement without protecting themselves from disappointment. As adults, we often do the opposite—and somewhere along the way, joy gets quieter.

In this episode, I talk about how joy can exist alongside responsibility, stress, grief, and loss. I share what Disney reminded me about presence, curiosity, play, and allowing ourselves to feel moved again—especially after heartbreak.

You don’t need a vacation to feel magic. Sometimes it’s just a shift in perspective.
 Maybe the happiest place on Earth isn’t somewhere we go…
 Maybe it’s how we choose to see.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello and welcome back to the Maybe I Can podcast. I'm your host, Debbie Weiss, and thank you so much for joining me today. I just got back from vacation. I was in Florida visiting my mom for a couple of days, and then I drove across the state of Florida and met my friend in Disney World. For those who don't know me, I have a child-like quality that I think all of us have inside. Some people might be afraid to let it show. I am not one of those people. So everyone who knows me knows how much I love Mickey Mouse and my birthday and balloons and, of course, rainbow sprinkles. I always had wanted to go to Disney World at Christmas time to see it all decorated. And my friend was nice enough to suggest and say, hey, you're going to be in Florida, so why don't I just lie down and meet you? And that's what she did. It's probably been about 10 years since I've been there. Even after I've been there less than 10 times, that feeling when I'm on the monorail for the first time, and I'm coming up to the Magic Kingdom. I'm walking through those gates, and all of a sudden, there is Main Street. And it literally brings tears to my eyes. And I've really, over the past several years, thought to myself, what is it? How can I possibly recreate this feeling? It's like I want to bottle that joy, that excitement, the sights, the smells, just everything into a bottle. It's almost like I want to put it in a jar or in a candle so that you can open it at any time and feel those same feelings. Do you feel that way? Maybe it's not Disney, but if you think about something from your childhood that makes you filled with wonder and excitement, maybe it's Santa Claus, right? This is that time of year. The anticipation, the laying in bed, thinking about hearing the reindeer's hooves on my roof and being so nervous because I wasn't sleeping. And what if Santa didn't leave gifts because he knew that I was awake and I was afraid to look out the window? And I realized that, you know, so many adults, as I looked around, were definitely not experiencing the wonder and excitement. Now, totally different for me. We were two grown adults, I guess I can almost say senior adults visiting Disney. Very different than being there with little kids. The overwhelm and the exhaustion that is coupled with the excitement and the wonder. Of course, we were noticing, oh my goodness, I can't believe how much this thing costs. We paid an exorbitant amount of money to go to Minnie's Christmas party, and all we could talk about is, was it really worth it? What a ripoff. And like why? This is how adults think. And not just about money. It could be that it was crowded. In this case, it wasn't hot when we were there. It was actually perfect Disney weather. It was like 66 to 70 during the day. At night, it got a little too cool for my liking, but still very nice at a balmy 55 degrees, especially compared to here in New Jersey where we just had a snowstorm and it's going to be single digits with the windshield factor. But you know, you've been there when it's hot and you're sweaty and you're waiting on these lines and thinking about all the things. And kids, they get tired and cranky for sure. For the most part, they could put that away. And you see their eyes light up with excitement, whether it's a specific character or a princess or a ride or those Mickey Nouse ice cream pops, the balloons, the stores, just that whole sense of wonder. And nobody knows how to do it better than Disney, right? They know how to create the magic, but you know what? The magic is there, but not all adults see it as magic. But I can guarantee that all children see it as magic because they're seeing it through a child's eyes versus the way adults view it. So why? How do children look at it differently than adults? It's not just Disney, it's all of life. Children look at things, they expect good things to happen. They believe that magic is possible. They stay present in the moment. You ever watch a kid and see their eyes just like open real big and they're just taking everything in around them? They're just amazed at the firework show. We could be thinking, oh my goodness, that person just bumped into me, or hey, you're blocking my view, or you know, you're having all these thoughts go through your head, and a kid doesn't even notice because they are in that moment. They fully experience things. They're not multitasking, they're not thinking, where do I need to go next? Whereas adults, we manage our expectations, right? We brace ourselves for disappointment. I mean, I think that just has to do with life experience and feeling the sting and pain of disappointment. Want to prepare yourself for that. And what does that do? That dulls the joy. Then we focus on the logistics. After we're done with this ride, we've got to zip over tomorrowland to make sure we're at that line by this time. And then from there, we're gonna go here. And I mean, I noticed us doing it. How many times were we checking this app? What's the wait time here? Where are we gonna go next? We have a fast pass or lightning lanes at this time. So are we gonna be out of there and then we're gonna go over here? Like, you know, we're doing all of that. We're rushing, we're not enjoying this moment because we're thinking if we're not done at this ride by such and such a time, we're gonna be late going to the next one. Do I have to change the lightning lane pass or are we gonna miss that and everybody's gonna be disappointed? We're thinking about what's happening next. For goodness sake, somewhere along the way, we didn't lose the joy, we learned to protect ourselves from disappointment. And what a way to live. Now, let's face it, adults, we have responsibilities, we have stress, we've experienced loss and disappointment. I am not minimizing what adulthood is. This morning, when I was walking yogi, I was thinking about since my youngest graduated from college six months ago, and thinking to myself, oh gosh, how I just couldn't wait to be an adult. I was actually particularly thinking about being with my first boyfriend who I was with until I was 21, almost 22. From the time I was 16, I can remember dreaming of what it would be like to live in our own and have our own apartment and not have to worry about who was home or what was happening and just living. And it sounded so magical. And yes, certainly parts of it are... lives. So let's talk about it. Remembering to stay present. Now, oh boy, that's such a simple sentence, right? But so much harder. Easier said than done kind of thing. But here's a great way to start. You don't need to be present all day long. Because I don't know many people who can be that way. Buddhist monks, maybe and maybe even they are not able to achieve that after decades of practicing this. I don't know the answer to that. But for the rest of us, mere mortals, it's hard when you get swept away into the day-to-day stuff. So, my suggestion and my challenge to you and to me is choose one moment, one specific moment in the day. Decide in advance, and even if you have to set an alarm on your phone five minutes before that event to remind yourself, okay, I'm gonna be present. So whether it's drinking your first cup of coffee, whether it's when you take your dog for a walk, which I gotta tell you, for me is really it. I especially now in the cold, it forces me to keep my phone out of my hands because my hands are so cold and I can't look and scroll with my gloves and holding the leash. Luckily, because in winter I don't have a choice but to keep my phone in my pocket and just enjoy the outside, the freezing cold, fresh air. Especially in the morning, I'm saying this at night. I think I would tell you, I don't really enjoy it as much. But even when it's cold out, when this that sky is is blue and it's that crisp air, and even the bare trees, I mean, there's something beautiful about it, right? There's something beautiful about nature as long as you allow yourself to stop and look around, which most of my life I did not do. So whether it's walking the dog, drinking your morning coffee, maybe it's eating breakfast, maybe it's taking a shower. Sitting in your car before you go inside, I think I've mentioned this before, that someone taught me this strategy. And for me, it was actually, I learned it as a form of self-care. When transitioning from one place to the other, most of the time I did it when I was leaving work before I came into my house, which at that moment in time I knew it was going to be a tough caregiving situation that I was walking into. And I was bombarded when I walked through the front door. And so I would sit in my car for a minute or two, take some deep breaths, and just relax and center myself before I went in. Maybe you're doing the same thing, but allowing yourself to be present in the moment, sitting in your car, taking a beat before you walk through the door. Just for 90 seconds a day. Put your phone down and live in the present moment. Number two, give yourself permission to feel excited again. Like I said, adults often suppress excitement to avoid disappointment. If you're not excited, if you're not looking forward to something, then you can't be disappointed, right? So let yourself enjoy that anticipation of whatever it is that's coming up. The joy is not the thing that causes the disappointment. It really is those inflexible expectations, right? Because let's face it, 99% of the time things don't go exactly as you might have envisioned, and that's okay as long as you can be flexible. And maybe there's a surprise there that you didn't even anticipate. But if you're rigid in your thinking and your expectations, then you're never going to feel joy. Number three, create your own micro magic Disney moments, right? Because think about it, things that happen in Disney that make it so exciting, it's one little thing after the other that just kind of gets layered. And real life can be like that too. So I'm talking about a micro moment. I am not saying go out and every single day plan some whopping magical time. I mean, if you can do it, fantastic. But if not, what is it? Light a candle at dinner. To me, there's nothing better than an I don't like one. I try and like find two or three different candles that go together. Sometimes when I'm in the house, I can't really smell it. But when I walk out and step back in, it hits me and it makes me so happy. This time of year, I turn on my gas fireplace. It brings me joy. Use a mud that you love. Turn on music while you're doing your chores and dance. Take the scenic route when driving. But boy, this is great advice because sometimes when you got detoured, down by my office, there was a detour. They were doing construction for a month or so. I have been working in that town for almost 31 years, but I've been in my current office for about 15. With that detour, it took me some back roads in a neighborhood that I've never seen before in 30 years. I never saw those streets before. And I was like, oh, look at that cute house. Look at their ornament. I never knew it was there. And by the time we got to work, even though it took me a little longer, it actually brightened my day. All right, choose curiosity over control. Adults, we want certainty. We want to control the situation, we want to control the outcome. Think about kids. Is that how they are for the most part? No, they want to explore, play, learn and discover things. Try asking, what's here that I didn't expect? Or what could this teach me? What's one good thing in this moment? Curiosity, that natural curiosity, can change your perspective, make you more grateful, and discover things you never knew existed. It's kind of like that curiosity to explore different hobbies that maybe you have never explored because you thought that would be something that you wouldn't enjoy or that you wouldn't be good at. Now, I can tell you firsthand, allowing that curiosity, even that curiosity, where on the outside it was like a defense mechanism where I would say, oh, I don't do that, or oh, I'm not creative. I can't paint, I can't cook, I can't knit. All the things, it was like this defense, it was a protection thing, right? Because if I said I could and I couldn't, I'd feel really crummy. And maybe people would think I was a failure, or maybe I would think I was a failure. But that was such the wrong attitude. Because once I got curious, even with those things, even though those were the words coming out of my mouth inside, that wasn't really how I felt. I had this little voice in the back of my head saying, wait a second, what if I could paint? What if I could cook? Some of those things I could do, and some I couldn't. But I never felt like a failure because I was proud of myself for trying whether I could or I couldn't. And it was all because I got curious, and that has changed my life. So choose curiosity over control. Release the need to be efficient all the time. Slow down when you're walking, take a look around. Eat without multitasking. Okay, for me, this is such a difficult one. And I think about at work, I sit at my desk and I eat and work. At home, if I'm by myself, which quite honestly is most of the time I eat most of my meals by myself, I'm reading a magazine or looking at my phone. There's so many examples of multitasking. I guess one of the good things about getting older is that I'm not as good a multitasker as I used to be, which is a good and a bad thing depending upon how you look at it. But it's really caused me to focus on one thing when I've got too many things going on and I'm flitting from one to a next. I can't remember what I left and where I thought I was going to go next. And I need all my brain power focused in on one thing. And let a moment linger. Just enjoy the moment. Stay in the shower a minute longer, even if it means you're going to be a minute late to work. None of those things are going to impact your life negatively versus what they can do for you positively. Number six, allow yourself to be moved. That could be physically or emotionally. But think about music, you know, moved by music and stories, whether they're books. Oh my goodness, as a child, well, even now, I don't know why I said as a child, I have always loved reading. When I started the podcast and I was doing something with caregivers, it reminded me of one of my favorite books when I was a very young child. I think I can. I think I can. You remember that book? I actually bought it now and read it. And I keep it on my desk. I'm pointing to it over here. Just reading it, it brought back all those memories and that excitement, even that anticipation. Even after I knew what was going to happen, after the story was read to me a hundred times, when that train got up that hill, each time I knew it was going to happen, but each time it was exciting and it made me happy. I felt the struggle when somebody was picked on. Oh my gosh, talking about books. I was in seventh grade. The reading assignment was John Steinbeck's The Red Pony. My parents had company. I'll never forget it. I was laying on my bed, reading this book, sobbing. I mean, sobbing uncontrollably. My parents came rushing up the stairs. I could not contain myself. It was such an overwhelming feeling of emotion because I was right there with that red pony and I don't want to talk about what happened. Children feel things. They laugh. They cry. They get excited. Adults, we shut down. We shut down. And I certainly shut down emotionally. I try and stay in chat, especially when I'm in public. But even when I'm in private, I notice it don't cry as easily as I used to. Maybe because I don't have any hormones raging through me anymore. Maybe that's part of it. But I don't allow things to move me as much as they used to. And that's a shame. Allow yourself to be moved. Reconnect with play. And if you don't want to call it play, that's fine. Because I think as adults, we resist the world word play because it sounds child, childlike or immature. But it isn't. So call it something else. Call it enjoyment, creativity, expression, whether it's baking, coloring, writing, dancing, building something. I don't know, whatever it is, that's play. All those things are play. Make sure to make that happen. Because it's not going to happen unless you make it happen. So you've got to schedule that play. Put it in your calendar just like you would any appointment. And it doesn't have to be every day. Make it one day on the weekend for an hour. Start small. But what you'll find is once you start, you won't want to stop. And then you'll make sure it continues to happen. Not everything has to lead to a specific outcome. Maybe you're just trying a project that brings you joy. Maybe you're building something with Legos or a model ship. Just let that creativity, that expression, that curiosity build it into your life. Disney works because they're great at storytelling. They give us hope, courage, belief, joy, kindness. Disney reminds me that happiness is always still available. If I can feel it when I walk through the tunnel and into the Magic Kingdom, why can't I feel it everywhere? Disney's giving me that experience, and now it's up to us to give ourselves that experience. All of these stories that we learn as children, they teach us lessons before life just complicates them. Right? Think about all of those Disney stories. They're magical. And they remind us about the truths that we often forget as we grow up. You don't need Disney. Although it doesn't hurt. We just need to change our perspective. To put on our children's glasses. So today, I invite you to borrow a child's eye for just five minutes. What can you notice today? Where can you slow down? What small joy can you allow? Maybe the happiest place on earth isn't somewhere we go. Maybe it's just a way we choose to see. That's what I've got for you for today. Please go out there and bring that magic into your life and share it with someone else. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next week.

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Debbie Weiss

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