Maybe I Can® with Debbie Weiss

Ep. 167: Stop Negotiating With Yourself

• Debbie Weiss • Episode 167

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In this episode of the Maybe I Can Podcast, I talk about something we all do — negotiating with ourselves.

This weekend alone, I caught myself talking myself in and out of exercise, work tasks, and even simple healthy habits. And it made me realize how powerful these small, quiet negotiations really are.

Because every choice we make is a vote for who we’re becoming.

In this episode, I share:
 • Why motivation isn’t the real issue
 • How avoidance erodes self-trust
 • The difference between burnout and simple discomfort
 • How action builds confidence — not the other way around

If you’ve ever said, “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I just don’t feel motivated,” this conversation is for you.

There will always be something you don’t feel like doing. The question isn’t whether you’re motivated.

The question is: Who are you becoming?

Let’s stop negotiating — and start showing up.

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome back to the Maybe I Can podcast. I'm your host, Debbie Weiss, and thank you so much for joining me today. I'm thrilled that you landed on this program and appreciate a follow, a like, a review, all the things, you know, that all these podcast hosts like me say. And why? Because the idea is to share our message with as many people as we can help. So this week I decided that my episode is going to be entitled Stop Negotiating with Yourself. What does that mean? And why is this my topic? So, what we're going to talk about is how we negotiate our choices with ourselves all the time. And we convince ourselves of things, these stories. And it's this inner dialogue, and then in return, the choices that we make based on this inner dialogue that really propel our lives forward. I think one of the most profound quotes that I've heard, not I can't, I don't know who to give this credit to, that I've heard over the last decade is that every choice you make is a vote for who you're going to be in the future. And we'll talk about that a little more moving forward. The thing that made me pick this topic is that three times this weekend, three different times, I negotiated with myself. Actually, I should probably say four times, if I'm thinking about it. Maybe three times I quote unquote one, and I think the fourth time, not so much. So let me tell you what happened. So I think the first thing was on Friday. So I exercise every every Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 6 a.m. And for various reasons, and honestly, I don't believe that this was my fault. I was going on basically no sleep from Wednesday night. Thursday was then an incredibly long day. So when I went to sleep Thursday night, it was almost like I needed to catch up. So when my alarm went off at 5:14 in the morning, don't ask me why I picked that time. I have to leave my house at 5:30. I don't even remember turning it off. And so my body needed it. It was a little different than just wanting to hit snooze that I have done in the past on other mornings. This was really, I should never have thought that I was going to be able to get up to do it that day anyway. And I think later in the day, I thought to myself, gosh, you know, I should really, I missed exercise. And I actually, I think, oh yeah, the Monday of the same week, there was no class because we had a major snowstorm. And I don't believe I did anything that day. And I thought to myself on Friday, I really need to do something because I really have hardly done any exercise this week. And by the time I got home on Friday night, it didn't happen. I talked myself out of it. I said, this has been a long day. This has been a long week because it was a long week, a lot of different things, personal and business-wise, made it a long, tough week. And you deserve a break. Okay, so I gave myself a break on Friday night. Then Saturday comes. And I had, I don't know, if you belong to a gym, but it used to be if there was a group fitness class, you just showed up. But after COVID, my gym instituted signups. There's only a certain number of spaces depending upon what class. And if you don't sign up in time, then you either can sign up to be on a wait list or you're basically out of luck. And I was like the last person on the wait list for this Saturday class. And so I knew I really wasn't going to make it. And I had somewhere to go Saturday afternoon. And then Saturday morning, I was enjoying a leisurely morning, and I just everything kind of ached. I don't know why. My body ached. And I thought, all right, I should just go take a shower, get ready. And I was visiting a friend at the hospital and head to the hospital. And I had this back and forth with myself. Really? You didn't do anything yesterday, and now you're not doing anything today. And there's no time limit that says, even though you told your friend you were going to get there in the early afternoon, would an hour really make a difference? I mean, she had texted me, look, we're here all day and night. So what was I doing? And I did it. I actually said, okay, I can't go to that the gym class because I was, you know, shut out. But what else can I do? And I wound up doing a workout video at home and felt very proud of myself. And then quickly, I'll just tell you that today, when I'm recording, is Sunday. And usually my favorite class of the week is my 9:15 a.m. Zumba class at the gym, which I is a little less crowded, so I always get in. And last night I'm having sleeping issues. I don't know if maybe we have to do another episode on that. But I don't know what happened to me last night, but I didn't fall asleep till 3:30 in the morning. And so when my alarm went off at like 8, I didn't get up. And then I opened my eyes and it was five after nine. I was like, oh my goodness, I can't believe now I'm missing my favorite class. And then I had somewhere to go. And I was that was going to take me till about one o'clock. And then I said, on Sunday afternoons, that's when I usually record my podcast. That's where I do some other work on my businesses. And so it was like, okay, I missed the class. I have this obligation till one. And then in the afternoon, I have to come home, record the podcast, and work on my other businesses. And when I was leaving, I was, you know, at with my friends, and I said, What are you guys doing now? And these two friends are big walkers. And I don't usually walk with them, especially when it's winter time. But it was a balmy 42 degrees here in New Jersey today, which actually feels warm comparatively speaking. I said, Are you guys going on a walk? And they looked at each other and they said, Are you too tired? You want to go on a walk? Where do you want to go? Blah, blah, blah. And we went on a walk. I would never have done that. I was the one who instigated it. They didn't even say to me, Do you want to go on a walk? I was proactive because I knew that, okay, I can kind of kill two birds with one stone instead of maybe just talking to them on the phone as we often do. Let's walk and talk at the same time. So I was proud of myself for that. And then lastly, on my way home, I thought, oh my goodness, it's later in the afternoon. I don't really, I'm a morning person. I like to really do my stuff in the morning. That's when I'm most with it. And I thought, okay, you know what? I can record the podcast. And I start thinking about all these other times that I can record the podcast. Honestly, not too many times available. And I said, I gotta do it. I just have to do it. What is the big deal? And obviously, as I told you, it's Sunday. It's Sunday at 5 43 p.m. And I'm doing it. So what did I do? I talked myself either in or out of something. So often, when we have a task in front of us, and maybe it's not a preferred task, right? Like I didn't ever had to talk myself in or out of going to the Zuva class that I love because it's something I love. And it's not like I don't love some of these other things, but they're just not at the same level. And then when it doesn't fit in perfectly to your schedule as you planned it, you know, we can negotiate with ourselves. And you could say to yourself, Oh, I really don't feel motivated. And I think that that's usually our first excuse is that I don't feel that motivation. You're waiting for that motivation to take over. But that's not really the problem. The problem isn't a lack of motivation. The problem is the negotiating that we do with ourselves. It's this internal negotiation. And what are some of the things that it could sound like? I'll start tomorrow. Or in my case, oh, I'll figure out another time to record the podcast. I'll do it later. I deserve a break. I've had such a tough week this week. I really deserve a break. Maybe you think, is it really that important? Is it really that important that, you know, I need to quote unquote make up this exercise time that I missed? And you know what? No one will ever know. No one will ever know what you skipped or a decision that you made that might not be aligned with your goals. Every time that you negotiate yourself, negotiate with yourself, you're really training yourself not to trust your own word. We don't avoid some of these tasks or activities because we're lazy. We usually avoid them because in some way it's creating discomfort. Right? Maybe it's out of your comfort zone, whatever that is. Maybe it exposes you. Maybe you feel like it, you don't feel certain about what you're doing, or you think it might you might fail. Avoidance feels safer in the moment. I mean, but in the long run, you lose confidence in yourself. It's like avoidance protects your comfort. You know, I think it also is so easy to say I'm going to avoid this because I'm not motivated. I'm gonna wait until I'm motivated. And then meaning if I try to do something when I'm not motivated, that's out of my comfort zone. So let me just avoid it. But when you think about it, all these things that you're avoiding that you set out to do, right? Some things we don't decide to do, right? Sometimes there are obligations that we have to do, especially when it could be work-related. Here's the thing: most people think that you need confidence in order to take action, but actually the action starts the ball rolling, it gives your brain evidence, creates an identity that, oh, I took action even when I didn't want to, because I said that I was going to do it. And so now your identity is you are now someone who follows through. But every time you avoid taking action or talk yourself out of it, you say to yourself, that creates an identity of, oh, I'm someone who avoids uncomfortable tasks. Let's think about it. As I said at the top, each choice I make today is a vote for my future self. When I decide to skip something, that's a vote for my future self. When I decide to do something, that's a vote for my future self. Whether I speak up, whether I stay silent, whether I save money, each time you're casting a ballot constantly. Think about it. Another thing that I need to do today, and I'm going to do it, even though I'm tired, is that I am going to roast Brussels sprouts. If you've been listening to me for a long time, you know that I am not someone who cooks. So it's really a struggle for me to eat a healthy diet because I'm not prepared. And I think in order to do it, you need to be prepared. And having some kind of vegetable on hand already cooked that I can just add to whatever else I'm making is easy for me. And when I get done recording this podcast, quite frankly, do I feel like roasting those Brussels sprouts? Absolutely not. But if I don't do it, that's a vote for my future self. And if I do do it, that's another vote. It's kind of like thinking about it that doing what you said you would do, it builds this kind of like micro-integrity. Every time you make the call that maybe you don't want to do, you send the email, you move your body, you have an uncomfortable conversation, you sit down to write, or maybe sit down to think about my cousin who keeps putting off, and if she's listening, sorry to call you out. We all do it. She keeps putting off doing these reviews on her employees because that's not really a preferred task. She knows she has to do it, but she just kind of keeps like pushing the deadline, pushing the deadline. She actually did wind up doing it, but it took some time. Think about the energy that that takes, that that uses in your brain, not only the vote that who you want to be, either someone who just takes on the task versus someone who avoids it. But the amount of energy, the stress, oh my gosh, I didn't do it. When am I going to do that review? Oh, I have time on Tuesday, and then Tuesday comes and you know, life life happens, and all of a sudden you don't have time, and now you're feeling that stress because it's due on Wednesday, and then you berate yourself. If I had only done it back on third, you know, Friday of last week, I wouldn't have this pressure. By avoiding it, it creates so many more issues in your life. You gotta sometimes bite the bullet. You can't wait for motivation to hit you because motivation is fleeting at the beginning of the year. They set these New Year's resolutions and they're all excited. And for the first week, they do whatever it is, all the things, you know, towards that resolution. And I forget what the date is, whether it's January 9th, whether it's three weeks into January, but I'm telling you, it's in January that the large majority of people stop. Why? Because they're no longer motivated. January 1st has come and gone. And they assume that they have to be motivated in order to take action. And that's just not true. Sometimes I find trouble in figuring out when am I trying to avoid something and when am I just really burnt out and need a rest. By burnout, I mean like physically exhausted, overextended, emotionally drained. Where when I avoid something, I really am capable. It's just that I'm uncomfortable. And I do find that to be a difficult, difficult distinction. Because sometimes you're tired, right? I mean, I'm tired right now. Physically, I'm tired, mentally, I'm tired. But am I burnt out? No, I'm not burnt out. And that's the difference. And that was actually before I sat down here to record this, that was the negotiation that was going on in my mind. Boy, it would be so great if I could just sit down on my couch with my little recliner with my feet up and either read a book or knit and watch TV. And it's Sunday night. Like, let me just kick back. But I voted for the Debbie that I want my future self to look like. Someone who keeps her word to herself. It's not easy. It really isn't. And I never want you to think that you should feel badly about yourself. We all negotiate with ourselves. And sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. But I think that we have to give ourselves tough love. You have to kind of call BS on that argument that you're telling yourself. When you see yourself pushing something off, or you tell yourself, oh, I'll wait until I'm motivated, I'll wait until I have more time, I'll wait until it's sunny out, I'll wait until I don't know what. All those things, catch yourself. It's all about creating awareness. If you're not even aware that you're having a negotiation with yourself, nothing will ever change. But when you are, you sometimes have to be tough on yourself and tell yourself, who do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be? And what do I want my future self? Who do I want my future self to look like? Because if you are not voting correctly or avoiding actions that are positive votes for your future self, your future self will never look like who you want that person to look like. There will always be something that you don't feel like doing. The question is not how motivated you are, the question is who you are becoming. Stop negotiating with yourself, decide who you are, and act like her. That's what I got for you for today. These kinds of conversations that I have on here, it's not just conversations that I have on my podcast. I have them on stages and in workshops and organizations across the country. So if you're involved in planning an event and looking for a speaker, I'd love to connect. Reach me at Debbie at DebbieRWiss.com or Instagram debi.r.wiss. And thank you for listening. I can't wait to see who you are becoming. See you next week.

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Debbie Weiss

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